Stupid Freaking Retard!! As I Am So Lovingly Known...

I am not sure where I want to go with my thoughts today. Rather, I have too many thoughts in my head, the majority of which have come from others, trying to give me advice with "my best interests at heart". I do not doubt the intentions behind all the advice, but I wish there was one right and one wrong answer, and everyone agreed on which was which. The problem is, I am not sure if I trust my own judgment enough to follow my heart.

Who is allowed to judge? Certainly not me, I am flawed myself. So what gives the people around me the right to make judgements on my life?? Whether you love me or hate me, I need to be allowed to make my own decisions in life, be they for good or bad. If I am not allowed to forge my life path, how will I be able to continue on this path by myself later on? I am not an idiot when it comes to the things that count in life. I am sure of myself and my standards as well as where I want to go in life. Inexperienced or not, I am independent.

My choices are my own. I will, sooner or later, screw up something in my life, even if you do your best to stop me. It's not that I want to mess up in anything in my life, big or small, but it will happen. The only thing we can do is try for the best and deal with the outcome of the results.

So, it turns out that you are right, I guess. You did not leave me much choice but to listen and follow what you told me. It was not my decision, but yours with the action taken by me. I will never know what I may have learned, gained, or lost from this experience and that is something I have to live with. You are so very convinced that it is the right decision but there is no possible way to determine that. I chose the lesser of two evils on this one but do not feel comfortable with the decision. It's as if it's the beginning of a negative whirlpool, that this is just the beginning of something that is leading to my possible unhappiness. Another constant predicament in my life has again emerged from this situation; it is absolutely impossible to please everyone, myself included. Option one we please 2 of 3, option two we please 1 of 3, and either way I'm screwed. I love this so much.

I'm crying inside, and no one knows it but me.

Before I begin, here is my preface: I am not always this sad. It's just a bad day and I have to put it out there.

I am broken. Not physically, but emotionally. For too long I have put on the facade of being happy for others. "I'm the girl who hides her pain with a smile that brightens everyone's day." Recently, I have had to deal with a larger burden than I am used to. Having to fake my happiness for those around me; friends, roommates, strangers, family, teachers, leaders, making it very hard to find a small window of time to release the sorrows within me.

Today, I broke. The last straw on the camel's back. I had put on one smile too many and, this morning, it was all I could do to get out of bed. Regrettably, that was even too much, and I gave up, returning to my bed. I extend a thanks to those who took a concern in my downtrodden attitude. It was not enough to fix everything that was wrong. I have taken time to recharge, to give into my sorrows, if only for a moment. After all, I'm no Atlas. But alas, one day is too long to fall victim to personal sorrows. I was called upon to bring a smile to another, having a harder time that I. And how could I say no?

I have not yet learned that time needs to be taken for myself. With ever increasing difficulties, worries, and stress in my life, my health is at risk. Sleeping patterns are irregular, I either gorge myself or do not eat at all (depending on the day's given events), and I can count out being a surgeon if all this keeps up because I can't even get my hands to stop shaking. I do not understand why I still have not found a coping mechanism to get me through these toughest of times. You would think after all I have been through, I would be able to deal fabulously! To the rest of the world, I already do. On the other hand, to the rest of the world, my life is as peaceful as the next person's. In the end all I can do is all I can do, and even if it kills me, I'm gonna smile.

Today is not your day... Tomorrow doesn't look good either.

It is absolutely impossible to please everyone. Try as I might to make things work, there will always be at least one person unhappy with my actions. More often than not, I am the unhappy one, displeased with something I have said or done without thinking. I absolutely hate hurting others. It hurts me to see that I have caused pain or unhappiness for another. Today I realized that I need to overcome this aversion in life it I am ever to move forward in life and seek for my own ultimate happiness.

There is another realization I have come to in the past few days, but it is more of a life lesson. In my life, there are several things that I have wanted with desperation. These things never seem to make their way to me when I want them the most. Rather, it's like watching a pot of water boil; if you're watching it, it won't boil! As soon as the desire ebbs to a back burner thought instead of a full blown obsession, *poof* what pops up but my desire. Isn't that just great. So given the opportunity, these things no longer have the previous pull for me.

Which brings me back to my original point of not being able to please everyone around me. If I go with a particular given opportunity, I will be unhappy. If I go with my gut, someone else will be hurt. So along with this stress of trying to be a people-pleaser, I am running on five hours of sleep and today was one of those "I just should have gone back to bed" days. Tell me I'm someone you want to hang out with right now... Geez, I don't even want to hang out with myself right now. It's the perfect time to escape reality by going to bed... I'm such a lazy butt.

Driving Me Crazy...

I got to thinking the other day. Not that it is uncommon, rather I got on an interesting topic. Guys. It's not an uncommon topic for someone such as myself, but I thought about what drives me insane, in a good way, so I started a list.

• I love a guy who smells good. Cologne drives me nuts and I can't help myself!
• Tall guys are God's gift to me... There is just something special about a guy that's taller than me (at least 6 feet tall).
• If you are a guy and you have an accent, please excuse the involuntary smile spreading across my face. Just be grateful I've learned to stop my jaw from dropping.
  
• When a guy gets a haircut, where it's short but not quite a buzzed cut, it takes all my self control to keep my hands to myself. I love the way it feels!
• On the flip side of the hair coin, I think guys with long hair are WAY attractive. Not really long hair like a girl would have, but the emo/skater type length (of that makes sense).
  
• Musical talent? You've got my heart. Singers, guitarists, drummers, bassists, pianists all pretty much rock my world. (Marching band still counts but the personality's gotta be there...)
• As a guy, you've gotta have cool shoes. Sorry.
• Do you know who Chester Bennington is? Do you think he's as cool as I do? Marry me. (Because Linkin Park and I are a package deal...)
• It may sound way stupid and goes against who I am all together, but I am a sucker for those corny little lines and cliches... sometimes even the pick up lines. (I know, gross right?)
• Now, don't judge me, but guys with ink are HOTT! Like W...O...W!!
• Tough guys are my heros. No metros, no pansies, just rough and tumble MEN!
• I am not a sports fan but guys that skateboard or snowboard are wicked awesome!

Hmmm... it's a pretty long list... Needless to say I have not found one guy that has every single one of these attributes and that's a good thing; I don't know if I could have restarted my heart after meeting him.