The Curious Case of Alec's Mind

I have decided to change direction with my thoughts today. My original train of thought is no longer relevant and therefore unimportant for the time being. That said, I would like to complain... again.

Today was very, very long. That in and of itself would be annoying but now, finally calming down and taking a moment for myself, my mind is going crazy. Not crazy as in mental but rather I have so many thoughts in my head that there can't possibly be enough room for all of them. It's a flickering slide show in my head, of feelings and ideas. "The world is spinning way too fast." Trying to stop or at least focus on or follow a single idea or feeling is like cupping water in your hands; after just a brief glimpse, it's gone as quickly as it came. How should I respond when someone asks how I am? Am I happy? Am I angry? Am I upset? Or am I, as usual, just fine. *scoffs* Lucky me, nobody believes that anymore.

SO, what am I feeling?? Let's see...

I am happy. I have the feeling of deep and pure happiness with me. There is so much in my life that makes me feel good; my family, the church, my friends.

I am angry. I am not a maid or a chauffeur or a chef or a cash cow. I am not a sponge (anymore) nor am I a doormat (again, anymore). So quit thinking and acting like I am.

I am helpless. Everyone, myself included has free agency to choose what they want. Well, like I have said countless times before, this is just something I am not OK with. What am I supposed to do, just sit back and watch other screw up over and over and over? What am I supposed to do if I believe someone I care about is making a huge mistake? What do I do about the unkindness of others? Even if these situations somehow involve me, there is absolutely nothing I can do. (Trust me, I have tried without any form of success and am finally learning that I have to step back and let go... well still.)

I am broke! I think this is one of the things that is making me the most nervous. I have absolutely no savings, no job therefore no income, and plenty of debt. And I have school in the fall that I have to pay for. Yeah... I'm kinda screwed there for the time being.

I am confident. I am perfectly capable of handling myself now. I know who I am, what I want, and more specifically, what I DO NOT want. I'm no longer concerned with being the nice guy and tiptoeing around so I do not hurt another's feelings. Don't be confused - I have not lost or given up all my tact. I am, however, going to start looking out for myself, because I have learned the hard way that, if I don't, there's really nobody else that's going to.

I am nervous. I am not sure what for - finances, family, school, friends, health, take your pick. And it's not just anxiety or butterflies in my stomach. It's full scale, close to panic. AND I DON"T KNOW WHY! Ok...... Maybe I am mental.

On a slightly unrelated note, I want chocolate so bad that I can hardly stand it. Well, pretty much anything with sugar in it. I am sick of dieting, which could totally be contributing to my crankiness and weird mood. My will is not as strong as it was, but my desire to look good is more powerful than my desire for a cupcake or brownie. Well.... I really, really hope it is. But stress is overwhelming... Oh the dilema!

So.... did you enjoy the written slideshow of my life at the moment? Good. That'll be $9.75, thank you. Have a nice day.

I'll Love You Forever, I'll Like You For Always.

Mom's are tough. They fight for you and want nothing more that for you to be happy. Therefore, they get a day all to themselves, where we celebrate and recognize their awesomeness. So here's to all the mom's out there - Happy Mother's Day!

But sometimes, mothers need more than acknowledgment.

A bit of background information - I have been home for a little bit more than 2 weeks and my mom's been to the emergency room three times, admitted once, and then back again for tests, so a total of four trips to the hospital. That and a court date (not mine, but for which I was present) make these last two weeks just incredible!

So, it's Mother's Day. No mother should cry on Mother's Day. Mine did though. In the middle of the night I was woken up by my sweet mother who needed my help. Without detail, she was having a hard night. Admittedly, I was not the kindest I could have been... but no words can describe the hurt and the pain that wrenched my heart at seeing her in this state, especially after everything we've been through. Then, waking up this morning and talking with her, she cries again. And my heart is shattered. I am not exaggerating in any way, shape, or form. My heart, in my chest, is heavy and fighting. Not only am I upset that I can't function around all this but that I can't help her. My mom, who has killed herself and fought tooth and nail for us, who is only here because she doesn't want to upset us in that way, who has been my best friend in this world, is in so much pain and is so miserable and I can do not a thing to help her. Happy Mother's Day, right?

Isn't It Ironic? Don't You Think?

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
- Daughtry

The world works in mysterious ways... and I don't like it! I had previously voiced the longing and the pain I still felt and that I was glad to have it. Rewind and erase! I am not thankful for that ache because it was not a positive reminder for me. It was a reminder of what I was still holding on to. What I was holding on to never actually existed. What never actually existed? Everything I fell for. What was everything I fell for? A lie. What was all a lie? Something presented with optimum timing by a grand master. Get it?

Life lessons are hard. You get the test first, which ultimately you fail, and then the lesson. Only the wise will be able to pass the test a second time around while others continually fail through their second, third, fourth, and subsequent tests. I was naive, trusting, and inexperienced; the perfect target, for both a life lesson and that grand master. Getting out of the net I was in... I'm not quite sure how it happened, actually. I am grateful it did, I am just uncertain of how I stumbled upon the prompting to do so. I've gone over all of this before, so why does the world not make sense AGAIN?

I was forced to face the truth. I had to take off my blinders and look at the whole picture. It was very painful but, in doing so, I feel as if the net had actually, physically, been removed. I was, no am, appalled. Only slightly appalled at myself at falling for such a ruse but I was more shocked that someone would do that. The hurt was magnified by the strong feelings I had developed. Soon after this realization, the agony gave way to anger, which, fortunately, didn't last long. As of now, I feel nothing, in a good way; neither pain nor anger, sorrow or longing. Actually, I feel relieved that this happened! Where is the irony then, you ask?

Beware of some exaggeration in my timeline, but since I realized about this person, the world has seen fit, around every corner, to throw reminders into my path. These reminders are extreme and leave no doubt as to who they are of - a car, a song, a death bike. Why in the world?? Ineffective as these signs are, I cannot help but wonder about them. *laughs* How come the moment I stop caring, all these things happen that seem as if they trying to get me to care again? It's just too ironic for me, don't ya think? :D