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If you are sick of hearing me talk about the numerous epiphanies that I have in my life, this post is not for you, because I think I've had another one. Perhaps it's just a strong realization... Let's recap quickly so as to not lose anyone. I do not trust easily. I am scared about SO many things. I am very independent, sometimes detrimentally so. In summary, with most of these things it could be easy to say that I don't take off the mask on wear on a daily basis for anyone. Sometimes I let friends catch a glimpse of what lingers underneath my 'perfect' outer shell but I have never been able to show myself in entirety, if that makes sense. Even those that I hold most dear to my heart weren't completely aware of the complexity of the person who I hide from the rest of the world. Granted, these close friends knew more than anyone else, but it was never complete. I guess in a way I thought I was keeping myself safe, that if I didn't openly acknowledge what I was feeling that it wasn't really there. In convincing others that life is fine and just wonderful, I could kill two birds with one stone, and convince myself as well. To me, this was the smartest and safest thing to do in order to keep my head. Somewhat recently I began to notice that what I was doing to myself was, in fact, just making me lonely and, to be honest, somewhat bitter. I tried to open and let people in, but that was just an action on my part. There are people that I speak with and that I look to for comfort but it's never what I need. I apologize for admitting this but it has nothing to do with those that were there to try and help me. Because of me, the way I am, there was no feeling behind any of the confidences I placed in friends around me; it was purely action unfueled by emotion.

The point is that one person is starting to change this. It scares me to death that someone is affecting me this way but it's also strangely exciting. I believe that the words, feelings, and actions are all genuine, and, even though it's hard, I can return these things. I am still afraid of what could happen, but it's because of past experiences. No matter what, my guard is down 100% around this person and I hope they realize what that means coming from me. There is no turning back now. This all sounds really stupid, at least to me, but we're playing the honesty game. I'm not sure what else I can say and I'm not sure I've made any sense at all but I feel better knowing that I've put it out there.

Wouldn't It Be Great To Stand On The Edge And Not Worry About The Fall?

So much has happened but I'm not going to get into any of that. I must apologize, however, for my last post as, not only was it misleading, it was, in fact, a lie. This isn't about that, though.

There are key people in my life that care about me and I know they do. However, I don't always agree with the way they choose to show they care. One thing that is extremely upsetting to me is being told on a pretty regular basis how much I am screwing up my life. It's a blow to my self esteem to be told that I'm on the wrong path, that there's something wrong with me, that I don't know what I'm doing, and that I'm going to fall on my face. I know those that care about me worry so much that this will happen, that I will indeed fall on my face. Some of those people are doing everything they can to prevent it, which only seems to bug me more. No matter how many times it is said, no matter how many people tell me, no matter how many different ways it is shown to me, I just do not see what the worry is. I am not afraid. There really is no part in me that is worried that I am going to fall on my face. I'm not saying that there is no way I'm going to fall on my face, because I know that that is always a possibility. It's just that I'm not afraid of that possibility. It's odd if I think about it. I'm the one that used to be so scared of failure, of making the wrong choice, of hurting someone else, of everything. I still worry how my actions will affect others but I no longer have that fear. Who knows though. Haha maybe feeling this way is proof that I am messed up. Honestly, I do not think that at all but it's difficult when I'm constantly battered against with contradictory information.

It may never be seen but Mom, thank you for caring about me so much. I know that is where this is all coming from. I know you are scared for me and upset about my choices. I want you to know that I never meant for anything negative to come from my actions but I'm learning. This experience is showing me what I can do, what I am made of. I know asking you not to worry is futile but I wish you didn't. I wish you could see and feel what I do. I love you so much and I want you and everyone in the world to know that.

I'll step down from my soap box now. Nothing is ever going to be perfect and I know that. I don't expect perfection in anything because I don't believe perfect really exists. There is always room for improvement, especially in my own life. The fact that I see this is wonderful. I know there are changes that need to be made in my life and the way I conduct myself, but I'm not a light switch. I can't just say "OK!" and *snap* everything is the way it should be. Change takes work and effort, I know. But I'm taking things at my own pace. I'm doing things the way that works for me. Maybe this'll be like swimming lessons in the end, but if I don't try it my way, how will I learn anything? Life is hard, but I've got my helmet and I'm ready to take on anything that is thrown my way. It may be anything but easy, but I'm kind of enjoying it.