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If you are sick of hearing me talk about the numerous epiphanies that I have in my life, this post is not for you, because I think I've had another one. Perhaps it's just a strong realization... Let's recap quickly so as to not lose anyone. I do not trust easily. I am scared about SO many things. I am very independent, sometimes detrimentally so. In summary, with most of these things it could be easy to say that I don't take off the mask on wear on a daily basis for anyone. Sometimes I let friends catch a glimpse of what lingers underneath my 'perfect' outer shell but I have never been able to show myself in entirety, if that makes sense. Even those that I hold most dear to my heart weren't completely aware of the complexity of the person who I hide from the rest of the world. Granted, these close friends knew more than anyone else, but it was never complete. I guess in a way I thought I was keeping myself safe, that if I didn't openly acknowledge what I was feeling that it wasn't really there. In convincing others that life is fine and just wonderful, I could kill two birds with one stone, and convince myself as well. To me, this was the smartest and safest thing to do in order to keep my head. Somewhat recently I began to notice that what I was doing to myself was, in fact, just making me lonely and, to be honest, somewhat bitter. I tried to open and let people in, but that was just an action on my part. There are people that I speak with and that I look to for comfort but it's never what I need. I apologize for admitting this but it has nothing to do with those that were there to try and help me. Because of me, the way I am, there was no feeling behind any of the confidences I placed in friends around me; it was purely action unfueled by emotion.

The point is that one person is starting to change this. It scares me to death that someone is affecting me this way but it's also strangely exciting. I believe that the words, feelings, and actions are all genuine, and, even though it's hard, I can return these things. I am still afraid of what could happen, but it's because of past experiences. No matter what, my guard is down 100% around this person and I hope they realize what that means coming from me. There is no turning back now. This all sounds really stupid, at least to me, but we're playing the honesty game. I'm not sure what else I can say and I'm not sure I've made any sense at all but I feel better knowing that I've put it out there.