Vines in the Fence

I have heard people say that we control how we feel, that if we are sad or upset or somthing along those lines, it is our own fault; we should be able to get by those feelings and put ourselves in a happier place. I beg to differ. There are things in life that are difficult for us to overcome. And in my opinion, it is not just a mindset because there are things so ingrained within us, it is not our choice to 'get over it' or not. We can try all we want, but the most we can do is mask the true feeling. Sooner or later that mask is going to slip, fall off, or break. When it does, there is no stopping or holding back the feelings you've been trying to hide.

I feel guilty. I feel like I need to apologize. I feel so bad that I seem to hurt everyone involved as well as those around me. I feel that, well I don't know exactly what I feel. It changes from minute to minute. Sometimes I need to be alone. Other times I want to go back. Then there are days that I feel I made the best decision in the world. Most days, I want nothing more than to be able to somehow fix things to a better state. Unfortunately, I am not sure what to do to settle on one feeling or to not let all the ones I have overwhelm me so much.

If you're are reading this, please don't think that you have not done enough for me. Please do not feel that you are slapping me in the face and please do not be upset that, for reasons I cannot pinpoint, I still feel guilty. You know that this is hard and I thank you for putting up with me. I see your mask too, the one that covers how hurt you are and how hard this has been for you. I hate having parts of my life hurt you. You are indefinantly a part of my life, just as they are still, present or not, and therefore what pains me, affects you as well. I hate that. You don't deserve to feel pain when it's not yours. And you staying by my side, willingly, means more than I could ever tell you in words.

If you are reading this please know that I love you still. Please know that I think about you almost everyday. I try not to think about the way things have been most recently, but about the way things used to be. I keep in mind why I did what I did and try to fight why it hurts so much. I think of ways that I could let you know what I think, but nothing works because I still get hurt. I can't hurt myself. I can't not function on a daily basis because of words that were said or actions that were taken. One day maybe. One day maybe things will change, and we will be able to laugh again and love.

It is difficult to make decisions, especially when they are the big decisions, the ones that can redirect where you are going in life and how you are getting there. The ones that are big and scary and on the other end of the spectrum from, "What should I eat today?" These are the decisions that help us grow, though. These are the ones that help us find who we are and show us how we conduct and handle ourselves in the real world. Because life is not easy. We have to tailor ourselves to the situations we find ourselves in. And that hurts. Ripping seams, cutting to make it fit right, stitching up the mistakes; all these actions make us who we are. And most of the time they also make us who we are supposed to be, we fit the way we should into the pattern of life. It doesn't always seem that way, because we can't see the big picture until after all the pain has passed and the trial we had to go through is over. This makes me wonder about my life. If there is someway that I can change my mindset to actually believe and feel the words I pen. But I know that it's impossible. The feelings and the pain are intertwined within me far too deeply and removal is impossible. All I can do is wait on everything to take its course, and pray... Just pray that everything will be alright.