New Year's Sorta Resolution

Aaaannnnddd... I'm back. I need to write, I want to write, and it seems easiest for me to express myself here (despite MONTHS of not doing so). I would say this is a new years resolution, in fact that's the title of the post, but I doubt it will be. If I deem something as a resolution I never end up sticking with it. Why not just do it because I want to? Well, I am. 

I have no idea what to say about how things are in life because I'm not really sure myself. I know that I'm grateful I made the decision to cut down to just 1 job at (approximately) 40 hours a week instead of the 2 at 70 that I was doing before. It's weird though, sleeping in, staying up late, having free time! 2 months may not be a horribly long time but it's easy to fall in to a routine, which I obviously did. One of the best things about it though is seeing Andrew more. I'll be the first to admit that I did not think when I took on a second job about how it would affect anyone other than myself and I feel horrible about that. The past is the past though and things are better than ever... or at least on the right track!

Today is going to be my first day back to work after an entire week off. It's weird but I think I'm glad. As much welcomed as this time off was, I'm not the type of person that can be happy just sitting around day after day doing absolutely nothing. I'm pretty sure I'm all caught up on rest and sleep though! There's a project waiting for me when I get back that I'm not really looking forward to but it's straightforward enough that I don't have room to complain. Besides, my work ethic of buckling down and getting it (whatever it may be) done, without (major) complaint has earned me a promotion in the past and again now. That's right! In the next couple of weeks I will begin training for my new position that I'm very happy about. As it has not yet been announced within my workplace, let's keep this one a secret. 

If you're an avid follower of mine (I doubt many of you are especially since it's been like 6 months since I've posted, sorry!) you may be wondering about my family. I'm still wondering about that. Umm, the main highlight that I can think of right now is that my sweet baby dog Punkin passed away. I don't like it, I don't want to think about it, and in fact I haven't really confronted it but the hole in my heart is still there and if any of you are animal lovers, you may just begin to understand how I feel.

I am working on a relationship with my Mother but that's about it right now. Tyne's up at college (we're not talking), last time I talked with Madi she kinda freaked out at me and hung up on me (we're not talking) and I haven't talked with Hannah in over 6 months. I don't know how to fix things though and I'm still trying to get my feet under me before I attempt it again. So, that's where that stands. 

School. I'm not in it right now, I don't know when I'll be back but hopefully not too long. A huge thing that's bugging me is figuring out what I want to do. I had decided on nursing because it's still the medical field without all the stress and debt, etc. of medical school and being a doctor. I thought I would do nursing and then get a Masters in Nurse Anesthesiology. It's the field I wanted to do as a doctor and I can do the same thing through nursing, getting a good salary and even the option to work unsupervised (meaning I can administer anesthesia without the supervision of a licensed medical doctor). But then, this second job I just quit made me realize that I really like the business field, and I'm good at it to boot. The thing that scares me there is that there's no guarantee that I'd make it since it such a broad field. I think I would enjoy both professions but while one is easier (business) it also has less of a guarantee (financially). So, there's part of the reason I'm not in school. The bright side there is I will be absolutely debt free (including school loans I've accumulated) in 6-ish months! Yay me. 

Ok, I can't really think of what else to say but this is absolutely enough and now I should be able to write normally without worrying that I've missed some detail. (I have missed a TON of details but I don't think any of them are crucial.) Bring on the blogging!

Alec is Angry

So it may have been a while but nothing much has changed. We'll leave that there instead of having to re-visit everything that has happened. (Yup, you guessed it: Painful.) I just need to vent today about how much I hate people. OK not everyone and those of you that are not in this category will probably never read this (with the exception of a few that actually read my writing) but it will make me feel better anyway to put it out there that people are making me angry. Let's play a game. You pick any person you can think of, one that I have at least minimal content with (picking someone I do not know in any way is cheating) and I can tell you something that person has done to make me angry. Perhaps a part of this (no I will not tell you how big a part) is my own personal problem but still, sometimes the stupidity of people is astounding. Let's give you some examples, mmk?

I am trying to get in contact with a person who was supposedly going to help me out by bringing my dogs back from Colorado (and we won't even get into the fiasco that happened to bring this about). They were already there to visit so I asked if they would be willing to grab them when they come back. The guy said it was a possibility but they weren't coming back until Wednesday (this was on a Saturday). I told him it would be fine with me if they did and he said he would figure it out. I don't hear from him the rest of the day. I texted again on Sunday. No answer. Again on Monday, no answer so I called. I think he was unhappy that he picked up but he explained that he was in Denver and wouldn't be leaving until Wednesday (probably). I told him again that was fine with me and he would (again) let me know. I heard nothing more on Monday and then again on Tuesday, even though I texted to ask once more. So now it is after noon on Wednesday and I have not heard from this guy. I texted and called to leave a message but still no response. I understand that he may be busy or something but seriously! First off, a text message is not that hard to answer. Second of all, if he didn't want to bring them back or couldn't and is now avoiding me because of this matter, then why would you not just say that in the first place? I don't even know you man, so how in the world will it matter to you if you upset me by saying no? Stupid people.

Alright, now think of this (new story, no longer the same situation as above): you have a random person texting you who claims to know you but refuses to tell you who they are. That in and of itself should be annoying. But how about this person acts like you are buddy buddy and it's so offensive that you won't answer their questions? These questions, might I add, are things that go hand in hand with why all of your friends burned their bridges with you in the past (we're pretending here, I know you have lots of friends). I hate being harassed; I've had more than enough of that in the last two years. Stupid (and annoying) people.

Then we have the workplace. I love my job, I really do, but you sometimes there's just one person you talk to that seems to mess up your whole day. I don't think I can really count this on though, because it's a lot of people and they all seem to have just one bad day. And if I don't allow them to have one bad day, then I can't allow one for myself either. OK. Workplace is out.

If you want more stories and details about annoying people you can A) read past posts with the theme of annoying people in mind or B) ask (which I doubt will happen - nobody likes my posts that much) but either way we are coming to the conclusion of this great rant. I will sum this entire post up with a few sentences. People that rub me the wrong way or people that do stupid things, put me in a bad mood. For someone who  tries to constantly be a happy person in a happy mood, daily doses of annoyance or stupidity or whatever you want to title it, are not compatible. Word to the wise: if you're feeling smart, stay away from me. Because the smartest men are those that know how little they know. 

(Sorry to end on such a wannabe zen note, but it worked.)

You Can't Hide From Shadows

How do you hide from yourself? How do you seperate yourself from, well, yourself? Some things in life are so deeply ingrained within us that it is near impossible to get rid of them. Over time, however, it may come to our attention that these parts that have intertwined within us are actually something that ends up hurting us. No matter which happens, be it the shards within us left to fester or attempting to remove them, we feel pain, and sometimes that pain is beyond anything we have ever felt. The question then, is this: do we turn a blind eye to the cankerous infection within us, pretending it is not there as we believed it to be once before or do we suffer through the pain in order to finally be free and whole once more? If we pretend there isn't something poisonous within then we will eventually rot from the inside out, not being able to do anything until it is too late. If we suffer through the removal of such intrusions, we will not be whole for a long time. There may even be scars left as a reminder of what it was we had to go thorugh. Either way, we are at fault for letting such a thing occur and there will never be a time that we do not know of what is happening inside of us. If the weeds that have mingled in with our garden are left and ignored, our garden, being our self, is ruined. If we attempt to remove the overgrowth, we are left without weeds, but without a garden as well. There is also no guarantee that we will be able to rebuild a garden as we had before. Perhaps I am rambling too much but perhaps there is the one person out there that know what I am talking about. Maybe this will reach the one person that needs to hear it the most. I don't have an answer and I don't have a cure. I am one of the many that is stuck trying to decide what the lesser of two evils is. I am suffering as much as anyone out there. I don't claim to know how to fix ANYTHING, but I do recognize at least, what it is that is happening. From here is where the waters get murky. I'm just glad I have a helping hand to (hopefully) conquer that which awaits me. I only pray that the path I choose to now follow doesn't scare off the only help I have on this journey.

Sweet and Simple

To those of you that feel the need to comment on my life,

Don't

The Idiot Girl

I feel quite compelled to put this out there. It's something that has been on my mind for the past few days and I'm not sure where else to express my feeling without getting 'in trouble' for it. I need to admit, to myself and the world, that I have a family that loves me. It may not be the one I wanted or the one that I expected, but they are still there. And I can't believe how wonderful it feels to be aware of this fact. With everything that I've gone through, in the past to more recent times, I was hurt and blinded to these people. I apologize for my words and my actions. I appreciate every kind thing you do and say, even the things you may not know that I am aware of. I am lucky to have a family.

CCE

Today is Fathers Day. When it would in the past have been a day of negativity, today was not. In thinking about it, I remembered how I used to treat fathers day; as something negative but in trying to make it better, more focused on my mother. She had filled the role of both parents when I was growing up and better than any father figure I was ever going to have. Now may not be the most verbal of times but I'm going to take today to recognize the sacrifices my mother made for me and all of my sisters. Happy Day - this one's for you Mom. (PS, I love you.)

Aut Viam Inveniam Aut Faciam

Feelings change. It's a fact of life. They may get stronger, weaker, or end up swinging in the completely opposite direction, whatever the case my be. It is hard to realize that feelings have changed, though, when the mind and heart still retain memories from when you feelings once were. Say you love someone but due to distance, times, and circumstance, you no longer feel that way. You don't hate this person, you just don't feel the love you did when you were with them. Perhaps the circumstance has made it so you have to place distance between yourself and this person. Because of this it is even harder to understand the feelings you have. Why now do you feel a little bit empty? Why now do you feel fear where there was once excitement? Why can you not wrap your head around the fact that as much as you do not like it, this relationship may be healthier than the one you had before? Why can you not understand that things are better this way, or at least that the end result will be? Why does it still hurt some days and other days feel like liberation at last? Feelings, once so easy to decipher and unwaivering, are not so much anymore. It's something tricky to understand and even more difficult to interpret and accept. I guess every journey of a thousand miles starts with just one step. Here is my one (first) step.