Be Yourself - Everyone Else is Taken.

It never ceases to amaze me the way things work out in life. I also have yet to understand my own personal reactions to specific events in my life. It is wonderful to reap the rewards of a tough decision; to know that the pain and the ache were all worth it because, now, things feel so much better. Correction - overall, things feel so much better. Only the passing of time will mask the void until the pain has faded and dulled to just a minor throb of a reminder. But why dwell on the sad when there is so much good to revel in??

I never knew what was happening. It was a slow and gradual change but one that I was completely oblivious to. Now I feel like myself. I have the confidence I had been lacking all along returned two fold. I write again. I can laugh with so many more people. I hear all around me that I am back to myself; that I seem so 'cloud 9'-ishly happy, and all I can do is wonder why? Why do I now feel so different and appear to others as being so much happier than I have been when I was feeling so happy in the first place? Why did the world perceive me in such a way? Things were good. And, in both situations, I was/am happy; it's just that they were different. I cannot compare the two. It's like apples and oranges.

Needlessly I will admit that I prefer my current state to the one I was in, although I enjoyed them both (if that even makes sense). The feeling I have now, of being myself again, is one I will never again lose. I cannot describe the fear that I feel even now to think that I had been anyone else at any time. As wonderful as I am feeling, the void is still there. I know I will feel it for some time and that there is nothing else I can do. But it is natural and I gladly welcome it, because I know that with the void comes memories I will always hold dear and that it is a reminder of what I had to do in order to become myself again; a reminder to never let myself go in any circumstance or at any time.

I am me again. I will never change that, nor will I let anyone change me, whether it be intentionally or not. I am loud. I love music. I write my feelings. I am not afraid to tell you when you're being an idiot. I am also not afraid to smack you when you deserve it. I will always tell the truth, no matter who it may hurt. I love to dance. I love my family. I wear dark clothes and skinny jeans. I love eyeliner and red lipstick. I will fight to the death for anything I believe in. I love black. I have my fair share of secrets. I can now honestly say, that I do not care what anyone thinks about me. I may say I do or act in such a way that might make you think I care, but inside I realized that I don't. "Those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind." So take me as I am; imperfections, loud mouth, and all. Because you're never going to get me as someone different.

Yes, It Did Actually Take Me This Long... But Better Late Than Never.

In life, it is not possible to have everything you want. There is no such thing as perfection and the good must be taken with the bad. However, when there is a lot of bad, it is easy to say that life's not fair and that the world just hates me. I'm learning, though, that I can't say this; I can't complain, all I can do is work to make it better, or at least to make it better for me. Someone I know once said "The world doesn't hate me - sometimes it just misbehaves." I agree with this. There are times in life, as I always seem to point out, that are hard and painful. But I honestly am realizing that these are the times that you need to grab by the horns, so to speak, and turn them around! Everything happens for a reason. I am still not 100% sold on this idea but I learn to have faith in it every single day.

On another note, events in my life, ones that while in the throws of pure emotion, good and bad, have taught me how to listen to myself. To my dismay, confusion has been my constant companion for longer than I have wanted. I could not decide. Or if I had I would question my judgment. But for the first time I felt something - I felt something so strong and clear I embraced it without question. Of course, the confusion had me in it's clutches, but it came after the fact. I could not deny the feeling I had and could not forget it. I do not want to ever forget the clarity I felt. When I think about that moment, I know how to hear myself, to listen to the small whisperings guiding me through life. This event in my life has and will serve as a lesson on how to escape the confusion. As cliche as it may sound, this is my silver lining, this is a true blessing despite it all.

As everyone knows, my life is a roller coaster, which I have always seen myself as involuntarily riding. This ride isn't involuntary anymore. I am not saying that life is perfect and everything is hunky-dorey, because we all know those things are not actually possible. I will not even say that life is good at the moment because I still hurt. I still feel. I still struggle, even with this. So instead of being forced in the roller coaster by metal bars and safety belts, I hold myself in, clinging for life, because things will get better. It is all up to me. All I have to do is listen. When I do this my life is directed as such that will, eventually, lead me to the place that will bring me the most possible happiness. (Yeah, yeah I'm sounding sappy now. Sorry.) All I can do is try and wait - two things that I absolutely hate doing and, in this, I know I am not alone. But the world has misbehaved enough times to make it clear to me that this is something I need to do. Unfortunately, it comes through a time like this. Complain as I might, I cannot and will not turn back. The past is the past for a reason and knowing the things I do now, I will not look back. I will not dwell, contemplate, or long for things I have lost or left behind. "Forget about the things in your past - There's a reason they didn't make it to your future." What an epiphany.