You're an Idiot.

OK - I have to rant. I apologize beforehand...

Let me tell you about the little children I have been babysitting this summer, also know as the Devil's spawn. I am telling you, out of the many, many children I have ever babysat, these children are by far the worst. Having three younger sisters, I know how to handle and deal with children, even in the most complicated situations. So, it's not a complaint against me but my sister, who I will admit is a far better babysitter seeing as she absolutely adores children. I get a call tonight from the father of these children asking to speak with Tyne, who had watched the kids earlier this evening. He was accusing her of spanking them going on the fact that the two children had a rash around their torso. First of all, spanking does not cause a rash; it can cause marks and welts if hit hard enough but not a rash. Second of all, you may trust your kids and think that they are wonderful, but how many people can honestly trust the word of a TWO YEAR OLD? Especially when this child is the one smacking her little sister? So Tyne gets all this crap from the Dad and then tries to call the Mom to clear it all up. yeah, she gets even more grief from the mother. I mean, how offensive is that? Tyne is, like, the best babysitter you will ever have, ask anyone she has ever babysat for. In the end, Tyne vows she will never watch the children again and walks out. About five minutes later, our two littlest sisters rush in and ask what happened. Tyne is sobbing. I knew it killed her. But I can't help but feel guilty... which is now heightened by my mother.

I was supposed to go over and watch the children tonight but was way exhausted from my earlier job that Tyne volunteered to do it for me. I don't know if this would have happened if I had gone... or at least i would have gotten the blame and not Tyne. I made the mistake of saying so to my mom and she agreed with me. That makes me kind of upset. How can I be blamed for those kids being awful and having such crappy parents? (Just so you know, I can't.)

So now the majority of the household is livid, or in or close to tears. Thank you Satan mother, Satan father, and your wicked offspring. I really hope I don't have to see you again... and it's almost for your sake I hope that.

Don't Tell Me if I'm Dying, Because I Don't Want to Know. If I Can't See the Sun, Then Maybe I Should Go.

I have decided that there is a slight and completely disturbing chance that I am a total masochist. And how exactly did I come to this seemingly absurd realization? Because there is no possible way that my life should turn out the way it is. I mean, come on. Seriously? The only explanation I can give at the moment is that I have put myself in the situation I am in. Subconsciously I must enjoy pain and misery if I somehow keep putting myself in situations that continually screw me over. Now understand, I don't believe that I really do this, I am just looking for a way to rationalize; playing the blame game, as my mom might call it. There is not really anything that I can think of that I can do to help alleviate my situation in the slightest. There are, of course, solutions that act as a band-aid, just masking the wound, but offering no actual help in the healing process, the infection festering deeper into my soul. (Yeah, yeah, yeah - morbid and pessimistic, I've heard.)

This, in a way, reminds me of my mom. With her being ill, there really has been no progress in healing whatever ails her. There are, however, plenty of medications being thrown at her left and right, each one taking away symptoms for a small while, but never permanently. And that sucks. In an odd rage I vowed that if the next time she was treated if all they did was give her a prescription, I would take all the pills myself. Obviously I am not serious but you can imagine my joy when she is given not one, but TWO more medications. Lovely.

My mind is also rebelling against me, but that's not extremely unusual. No matter how hard I try, my thoughts continue to wander where they should not. And despite my best efforts, I find myself desiring things not entirely within my reach. Granted, I could make the effort, and attain said goals, but I am not sure if I am willing to do so. Additionally, I am not sure if grasping for this would be more detrimental than comforting. I could say I will never know if I don't try, but there is something stopping me; an odd combination of fear. I fear opinions, the future, and rejection/failure if I pursue my current... endeavor. Leave it to me to toss my confusion upon the innocents.

I am exhausted. Maybe this is part of my possible masochism. I have almost a frenzied desire to do everything myself. OK, that's not really the right way to put it. The frenzied desire is right, but it's more to get everything, and I mean everything, done. I don't have to do it myself and I would love help, but, at the same time, I want it done on my watch, in my way, the way I want it. Epiphany!! I have control issues! Geez! Ha ha ha, now who DIDN'T know that ;)

Enough negative. Let's make a (very) small list of the good things in my life right now:

• I get to go back to school in Provo... and room with Miss Chelsea!
• Thank Heaven for air conditioning
• I had, like, half a pack of cookie dough today
• I am a ninja!
• My family truly loves and cares about me - and even some friends that do too!
• I get to see Teoni and Whitney in the fall
• I get to go to Water World anytime I want
• THE INTERNET! How else could I make my discombobulated rants available to the masses... or however many people actually care what I have to say :P
• Food. While it may be making me very fat and no longer comfort me, like, at all, there are some really yummy things out there!

Random, yes, I know, and quite long but it's been a while for me. So many things are going on in life and I'm taking whatever is thrown at me, even if I end up missing more than half of all the passes. "I try to take each day one at a time... but sometimes several days attack me at once!" (Ha! If this was true, each week in my life would be equal to about two!) As very much as I may not like it, everything in my life is happening for a reason. I can attest to this by past life lessons I have learned and the knowledge gained from those. The sucky part is waiting for that time when you realize why you had to go through the inferno or what good thing came from the depths of despair. Pretty much, the current battle I fight will either equip my with another, stronger level of tolerance or coping skills, or just kill me. I'm fine with either one, but I'm 99.9% positive I'm not going to die just yet.

To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.

I am quite annoyed at life... again. I just wish that either I could have a good run of time (more than just a few weeks) where things go well for and around me or I could learn to cope better. I used to pride myself at being able to keep my emotions in check. Unfortunately, I don't feel like that anymore. It may just be that things have gotten way too out of control for my liking and my body is no longer able to physically deal with it. I'm still pretty good at fooling those around me. By that I mean, not letting people see into how I am really feeling. I guess, if we're going to dissect it I am, in essence, lying. Yes, I know, the one thing that I hate, but the only person getting hurt in the process is myself. I see no reason to let everyone around me know the intimate details of my life. The very few that do earn enough trust to be admitted to my inner circle, end up knowing more than anyone else. Admittedly, there is not one person, blood relation or not, that knows everything. In trusting others, you open yourself up, take down some walls, and give another the power to hurt you. That's the definition of trust, though - giving someone the power to damage you, but believing that they will not. Obviously, this is why it hurts so much when someone betrays that trust. Now look at me... There are very, very few people that I let know ANYTHING personal about me; most of the time everything those around me know is the superficial goings-on that any schmo could pick up on. The people who do earn my trust are few and far between and those that I give the title of best to can be counted on one hand. Unfortunately for me, the majority of the people that earn my trust, end up breaking and eventually losing that trust. Today I had to think long and hard about that... why do we trust in the first place? Is the pain of having a bond of trust broken worth even attempting trust? But such is life, and life is a test. All I can really be thankful for is the insight I get from such negative events in my life. All I can do is all I can do and if that's not good enough, so be it.