Don't Tell Me if I'm Dying, Because I Don't Want to Know. If I Can't See the Sun, Then Maybe I Should Go.

I have decided that there is a slight and completely disturbing chance that I am a total masochist. And how exactly did I come to this seemingly absurd realization? Because there is no possible way that my life should turn out the way it is. I mean, come on. Seriously? The only explanation I can give at the moment is that I have put myself in the situation I am in. Subconsciously I must enjoy pain and misery if I somehow keep putting myself in situations that continually screw me over. Now understand, I don't believe that I really do this, I am just looking for a way to rationalize; playing the blame game, as my mom might call it. There is not really anything that I can think of that I can do to help alleviate my situation in the slightest. There are, of course, solutions that act as a band-aid, just masking the wound, but offering no actual help in the healing process, the infection festering deeper into my soul. (Yeah, yeah, yeah - morbid and pessimistic, I've heard.)

This, in a way, reminds me of my mom. With her being ill, there really has been no progress in healing whatever ails her. There are, however, plenty of medications being thrown at her left and right, each one taking away symptoms for a small while, but never permanently. And that sucks. In an odd rage I vowed that if the next time she was treated if all they did was give her a prescription, I would take all the pills myself. Obviously I am not serious but you can imagine my joy when she is given not one, but TWO more medications. Lovely.

My mind is also rebelling against me, but that's not extremely unusual. No matter how hard I try, my thoughts continue to wander where they should not. And despite my best efforts, I find myself desiring things not entirely within my reach. Granted, I could make the effort, and attain said goals, but I am not sure if I am willing to do so. Additionally, I am not sure if grasping for this would be more detrimental than comforting. I could say I will never know if I don't try, but there is something stopping me; an odd combination of fear. I fear opinions, the future, and rejection/failure if I pursue my current... endeavor. Leave it to me to toss my confusion upon the innocents.

I am exhausted. Maybe this is part of my possible masochism. I have almost a frenzied desire to do everything myself. OK, that's not really the right way to put it. The frenzied desire is right, but it's more to get everything, and I mean everything, done. I don't have to do it myself and I would love help, but, at the same time, I want it done on my watch, in my way, the way I want it. Epiphany!! I have control issues! Geez! Ha ha ha, now who DIDN'T know that ;)

Enough negative. Let's make a (very) small list of the good things in my life right now:

• I get to go back to school in Provo... and room with Miss Chelsea!
• Thank Heaven for air conditioning
• I had, like, half a pack of cookie dough today
• I am a ninja!
• My family truly loves and cares about me - and even some friends that do too!
• I get to see Teoni and Whitney in the fall
• I get to go to Water World anytime I want
• THE INTERNET! How else could I make my discombobulated rants available to the masses... or however many people actually care what I have to say :P
• Food. While it may be making me very fat and no longer comfort me, like, at all, there are some really yummy things out there!

Random, yes, I know, and quite long but it's been a while for me. So many things are going on in life and I'm taking whatever is thrown at me, even if I end up missing more than half of all the passes. "I try to take each day one at a time... but sometimes several days attack me at once!" (Ha! If this was true, each week in my life would be equal to about two!) As very much as I may not like it, everything in my life is happening for a reason. I can attest to this by past life lessons I have learned and the knowledge gained from those. The sucky part is waiting for that time when you realize why you had to go through the inferno or what good thing came from the depths of despair. Pretty much, the current battle I fight will either equip my with another, stronger level of tolerance or coping skills, or just kill me. I'm fine with either one, but I'm 99.9% positive I'm not going to die just yet.