Guys are so Stupid... But they Actually Really Aren't...

All men are idiots. This is not true but it is in fact easier to rationalize that way rather than trying to figure them out. I read somewhere once that men actually tell themselves that women are crazy in order to justify the woman's behavior. I wonder if this is the same concept; women call men idiots in order to explain the way they act. I think it makes sense.

"Actions speak louder than words," is something I grew up learning. In addition to that I also learned how to read actions and reactions. So, in case you are wondering, I am not an idiot. If you know how and you pay attention at all, most people are not that hard to read (except me).

I am not a mind reader, as much as I wish I could be. I do not magically know what you are thinking or how you feel, even though sometimes I think I do actually know. I cannot tell you how you feel or what you think nor can I tell you what you are thinking or what your next move should be. It's not like you need an outsider's opinion. Psh. I would love to tell you what to do because I think I know better than you do. It's your life so of course there is no possible way you can screw up or miss out, right?

I saw the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" and I enjoyed it. I recently discovered that I own the book this movie is based off of. I have not read it in forever and, in light of recent events, decided to delve into it again. It's kinda depressing, actually. At least for me. It make me question several observations and conclusions I have come to and... it kinda stings.

So what is the point of all these random topics? If you've been paying attention, they actually do relate to each other. Guys are stupid, especially if it is one you know; one that does drive-me-crazy, random, stupid, adorable, very confusing things. It just so happens I know one of these guys, and it also happens I like him... more that I should. So I look at the situation from every angle possible and find out that there is no move that I can make, like, at all. I've been checkmate'd by this guy that doesn't even know it. If I dwell too much on these thoughts it's just too depressing. Instead I shall act like I am 12 again:

Boys are stupid and dumb. They are idiots and they have cooties. Boys are gross and nobody needs them. Why don't boys just go jump off a cliff. Geez!

Now we'll be honest:

Boys can be smart and rational. They can be sweet and jumping off a cliff would really not help anyone. Boys will be boys and they actually are nice to have around. Except when they drive you nuts.

Completely Unrequited

So here goes another one of my rants. And this one is VERY long... Brace yourself...

OK, I don't know if I am back to square one or if I am just flipping out that I am back near the fire (but I will hopefully not be back in it this time around), or if my hormones are against me as they always are right around this time. This may sound super weird but I am different, so what more can be expected?

This kinda started after church on Sunday. I was feeling like crap and so was mama but both of us were freaking out about my leaving to go back to school. She asked if I would come giver her a hug and I did. This hug was more of me just lying with her as she hugged me. Mom held me close and rubbed my back and we just stayed there for a little bit enjoying each others company. The weird thing is the epiphany (maybe I should stop calling them epiphanies because I don't think it's normal to have this many) I had in the middle of being with my mom. I still have not entirely wrapped my head around it but I realized what I miss the most (in general). I miss someone being there for me in that way. That way is, just, someone that cares for me, my well being, who wants me to be happy and comfortable. Specifically it reminded me of Paul. More specifically it reminded me of one night I was hanging out with him and mom was in the hospital. He was genuinely sweet to me when I was in such an emotional state... I don't think I can explain it right now. Or at all. Gosh. I hate not being able to explain emotions that are in my head. They make a little bit of sense when I am experiencing them, so to speak, but when I attempt to put them into words, I end up sounding completely incoherent.

OK. Restart and try again... I miss that sweet care that seldom few have ever expressed to me. That is why I think I miss Paul so much. Well, you know what I mean. I realized that it was not him I missed, rather the person I made him up to be and I missed having the 'boyfriend' thee. It's deeper than that though. Mom comforting me; the times Paul was genuine, caring, and pretty insightful; when Nate rescued me the night I had my break; Ika being there for me completely and unquestioningly when I ended my relationship. The majority of what I crave is this form of comfort and affection from a member of the opposite sex. This is so weird and somewhat appalling to me. I cannot possibly be one of those girls that so desperately craves affection and attention from guys! This is me, who breaks hearts just by walking by through no effort of my own; the me that DOES NOT need a guy in her life to be happy. I made a decision several weeks ago that I was going to be like my mom; living life to the fullest and working at just having fun, not worrying about guys and dating, just completely focused on myself. Then I get these stupid feelings. And mom and Tyne were teasing me a little bit about getting so mushy latley, liking sweet love quotes and such. Mom told me I am turning into the type of girl I should be... or something to that effect. WHY?! I am not like this... this is not me! I will admit I have an idea about this fact in my life. There is a possibility that I feel these odd things due to the fact that every guy in my life (mostly) that has meant even a small bit to me, has left, lied, disappointed me, let me down, broke my heart, or some combination of the above in rapid succession. So is it possible that the few times I do let my guard down to a member of the opposite sex, I just want the type of comfort and companionship that I never seem to be able to achieve or hold on to if it does happen to be through some fault of my own. Not surprisingly, I do not open up honestly to many people, let alone any guy. Opening my emotions up to a guy is more of a recent development. And now that I have opened up once, that door is always open now. It makes me feel vulnerable and any person that makes their way through this unlocked door now holds the key to break and shatter me through a few simple words or actions. This is why I am strong; why I come off as impassable and bitter. I do not like being hurt. I do not like feeling weak or anything in relation to the two. Yet, in order to be privy to the affection I so dearly crave, I have to be open enough to love in return. I do this, and sometimes too quickly, but even in doing this I make myself more breakable. Gosh. All I want to do is be loved but it seldom comes around and when it does, through an action of my own or not, it just ends up biting me in the butt.

Personally, there are people in my life, of both genders, that I hold dear to me and that have found a special place in my heart. Theses are the types of people that I think of on a daily basis. I then tend to wonder if there is any other person in the world that feels this same way about me? I am sure my mom and my sisters do and maybe even my nana, but it's not the same. Is there any one person whose mind I cross almost daily? Is there any person in my life, be I aware of it or not, that cannot imagine what would happen to their own lives if I was somehow not a part of it? This may all sound quite vain but, if you think about it, is an interesting concept. I think that we as a culture have grown to be so self-focused (OK, stay on point here) that we will not let down our guard or open ourselves up enough to acknowledge our own feelings. I am not exempt from this but I am one key example. How many times have we been staring at a guy we like only to be caught in the act? And instead of confronting those feelings and just letting the guy (or girl, not in my case, however) know it, we look away or feel embarrassed. Is there a time in your life that you have been so angry at someone or something, been treated unfairly or witnessed some for of injustice, and have refrained from speaking your mind for fear of causing a scene, being put down, or of what others will think? It is not an easy thing to do but I think everyone would be a lot closer if the true feelings we all have; love, friendship, anger, sadness, joy, loneliness; were openly shared, and not buried and hidden like something to be ashamed of. Then, on the other hand, I could just be fishing for that (at least) one person to provide the care I so uncharacteristically feel I need.

Learning to Differentiate

I have to apologize. I complain about life lessons way too much. Only as of late have I come to actually appreciate the value they carry. It is difficult when several come and attack me at once but once the pain of the lesson is over, the joy of the rewards I am able to reap are that much better. That being said, I have another life lesson!

When I was young my parents separated and then divorced. Being the oldest child, I had a harder time with it that did my sisters. I could remember when things were not tense, stressed, or angry. For years and years after the fact I struggled with feelings I could not understand. I thought in some weird and twisted way that I missed my father, that I wanted him back in my life or that I wanted some form of contact with him. On the other hand, I wanted nothing to do with him and hated him with such a passion that it was actually detrimental to myself. I wanted a father, a daddy, but not Brian (my 'given' father). When I put two and two together I realized that this was the Daddy/Brian Theory. At least, that's what I called it. Only recently have I realized that the name is no longer applicable, seeing as the situation can be applied to other aspects of my life.

As you may know, somewhat recently I was struggling back and forth with myself about the feelings I had for a friend of mine. Do I still feel the way I did? Am I angry or am I hurt? Am I in pain or regretting decisions I made? After taking, well, too much time to be honest, thinking about it, I realized it was the same type of thing. I missed and longed for and regretted losing something that I thought I had, not the actual thing. I don't know if I'm explaining it correctly because it sounds quite nasty as I read it. It's just, the things I thought I needed and such was not, in reality, the person I had. After I could clearly see and realize that fact things fell into place. While I may still be torn at random intervals, it is not as painful because I understand my reactions, as off-key as I may find them.

In a somewhat similar note, I discovered that while it is easier to lay down and give up the fight, only taking the bad into account, 'looking at your leg' as my mom calls it (long story), true happiness comes when you make the effort. "Dying is easy, living is hard." That's the same concept except not so morbid. While one may be easier, in this case giving in to the depression or what not in life, the alternative is so much more worth while. And after having that little tad of information click into place, I can honestly say, for the first time in a very, very long time, I can say that I am happy; deep, true, honest, and genuine. I am happy.

Finally, life is at least starting to fall into place.