So here goes another one of my rants. And this one is VERY long... Brace yourself...
OK, I don't know if I am back to square one or if I am just flipping out that I am back near the fire (but I will hopefully not be back in it this time around), or if my hormones are against me as they always are right around this time. This may sound super weird but I am different, so what more can be expected?
This kinda started after church on Sunday. I was feeling like crap and so was mama but both of us were freaking out about my leaving to go back to school. She asked if I would come giver her a hug and I did. This hug was more of me just lying with her as she hugged me. Mom held me close and rubbed my back and we just stayed there for a little bit enjoying each others company. The weird thing is the epiphany (maybe I should stop calling them epiphanies because I don't think it's normal to have this many) I had in the middle of being with my mom. I still have not entirely wrapped my head around it but I realized what I miss the most (in general). I miss someone being there for me in that way. That way is, just, someone that cares for me, my well being, who wants me to be happy and comfortable. Specifically it reminded me of Paul. More specifically it reminded me of one night I was hanging out with him and mom was in the hospital. He was genuinely sweet to me when I was in such an emotional state... I don't think I can explain it right now. Or at all. Gosh. I hate not being able to explain emotions that are in my head. They make a little bit of sense when I am experiencing them, so to speak, but when I attempt to put them into words, I end up sounding completely incoherent.
OK. Restart and try again... I miss that sweet care that seldom few have ever expressed to me. That is why I think I miss Paul so much. Well, you know what I mean. I realized that it was not him I missed, rather the person I made him up to be and I missed having the 'boyfriend' thee. It's deeper than that though. Mom comforting me; the times Paul was genuine, caring, and pretty insightful; when Nate rescued me the night I had my break; Ika being there for me completely and unquestioningly when I ended my relationship. The majority of what I crave is this form of comfort and affection from a member of the opposite sex. This is so weird and somewhat appalling to me. I cannot possibly be one of those girls that so desperately craves affection and attention from guys! This is me, who breaks hearts just by walking by through no effort of my own; the me that DOES NOT need a guy in her life to be happy. I made a decision several weeks ago that I was going to be like my mom; living life to the fullest and working at just having fun, not worrying about guys and dating, just completely focused on myself. Then I get these stupid feelings. And mom and Tyne were teasing me a little bit about getting so mushy latley, liking sweet love quotes and such. Mom told me I am turning into the type of girl I should be... or something to that effect. WHY?! I am not like this... this is not me! I will admit I have an idea about this fact in my life. There is a possibility that I feel these odd things due to the fact that every guy in my life (mostly) that has meant even a small bit to me, has left, lied, disappointed me, let me down, broke my heart, or some combination of the above in rapid succession. So is it possible that the few times I do let my guard down to a member of the opposite sex, I just want the type of comfort and companionship that I never seem to be able to achieve or hold on to if it does happen to be through some fault of my own. Not surprisingly, I do not open up honestly to many people, let alone any guy. Opening my emotions up to a guy is more of a recent development. And now that I have opened up once, that door is always open now. It makes me feel vulnerable and any person that makes their way through this unlocked door now holds the key to break and shatter me through a few simple words or actions. This is why I am strong; why I come off as impassable and bitter. I do not like being hurt. I do not like feeling weak or anything in relation to the two. Yet, in order to be privy to the affection I so dearly crave, I have to be open enough to love in return. I do this, and sometimes too quickly, but even in doing this I make myself more breakable. Gosh. All I want to do is be loved but it seldom comes around and when it does, through an action of my own or not, it just ends up biting me in the butt.
Personally, there are people in my life, of both genders, that I hold dear to me and that have found a special place in my heart. Theses are the types of people that I think of on a daily basis. I then tend to wonder if there is any other person in the world that feels this same way about me? I am sure my mom and my sisters do and maybe even my nana, but it's not the same. Is there any one person whose mind I cross almost daily? Is there any person in my life, be I aware of it or not, that cannot imagine what would happen to their own lives if I was somehow not a part of it? This may all sound quite vain but, if you think about it, is an interesting concept. I think that we as a culture have grown to be so self-focused (OK, stay on point here) that we will not let down our guard or open ourselves up enough to acknowledge our own feelings. I am not exempt from this but I am one key example. How many times have we been staring at a guy we like only to be caught in the act? And instead of confronting those feelings and just letting the guy (or girl, not in my case, however) know it, we look away or feel embarrassed. Is there a time in your life that you have been so angry at someone or something, been treated unfairly or witnessed some for of injustice, and have refrained from speaking your mind for fear of causing a scene, being put down, or of what others will think? It is not an easy thing to do but I think everyone would be a lot closer if the true feelings we all have; love, friendship, anger, sadness, joy, loneliness; were openly shared, and not buried and hidden like something to be ashamed of. Then, on the other hand, I could just be fishing for that (at least) one person to provide the care I so uncharacteristically feel I need.
OK, I don't know if I am back to square one or if I am just flipping out that I am back near the fire (but I will hopefully not be back in it this time around), or if my hormones are against me as they always are right around this time. This may sound super weird but I am different, so what more can be expected?
This kinda started after church on Sunday. I was feeling like crap and so was mama but both of us were freaking out about my leaving to go back to school. She asked if I would come giver her a hug and I did. This hug was more of me just lying with her as she hugged me. Mom held me close and rubbed my back and we just stayed there for a little bit enjoying each others company. The weird thing is the epiphany (maybe I should stop calling them epiphanies because I don't think it's normal to have this many) I had in the middle of being with my mom. I still have not entirely wrapped my head around it but I realized what I miss the most (in general). I miss someone being there for me in that way. That way is, just, someone that cares for me, my well being, who wants me to be happy and comfortable. Specifically it reminded me of Paul. More specifically it reminded me of one night I was hanging out with him and mom was in the hospital. He was genuinely sweet to me when I was in such an emotional state... I don't think I can explain it right now. Or at all. Gosh. I hate not being able to explain emotions that are in my head. They make a little bit of sense when I am experiencing them, so to speak, but when I attempt to put them into words, I end up sounding completely incoherent.
OK. Restart and try again... I miss that sweet care that seldom few have ever expressed to me. That is why I think I miss Paul so much. Well, you know what I mean. I realized that it was not him I missed, rather the person I made him up to be and I missed having the 'boyfriend' thee. It's deeper than that though. Mom comforting me; the times Paul was genuine, caring, and pretty insightful; when Nate rescued me the night I had my break; Ika being there for me completely and unquestioningly when I ended my relationship. The majority of what I crave is this form of comfort and affection from a member of the opposite sex. This is so weird and somewhat appalling to me. I cannot possibly be one of those girls that so desperately craves affection and attention from guys! This is me, who breaks hearts just by walking by through no effort of my own; the me that DOES NOT need a guy in her life to be happy. I made a decision several weeks ago that I was going to be like my mom; living life to the fullest and working at just having fun, not worrying about guys and dating, just completely focused on myself. Then I get these stupid feelings. And mom and Tyne were teasing me a little bit about getting so mushy latley, liking sweet love quotes and such. Mom told me I am turning into the type of girl I should be... or something to that effect. WHY?! I am not like this... this is not me! I will admit I have an idea about this fact in my life. There is a possibility that I feel these odd things due to the fact that every guy in my life (mostly) that has meant even a small bit to me, has left, lied, disappointed me, let me down, broke my heart, or some combination of the above in rapid succession. So is it possible that the few times I do let my guard down to a member of the opposite sex, I just want the type of comfort and companionship that I never seem to be able to achieve or hold on to if it does happen to be through some fault of my own. Not surprisingly, I do not open up honestly to many people, let alone any guy. Opening my emotions up to a guy is more of a recent development. And now that I have opened up once, that door is always open now. It makes me feel vulnerable and any person that makes their way through this unlocked door now holds the key to break and shatter me through a few simple words or actions. This is why I am strong; why I come off as impassable and bitter. I do not like being hurt. I do not like feeling weak or anything in relation to the two. Yet, in order to be privy to the affection I so dearly crave, I have to be open enough to love in return. I do this, and sometimes too quickly, but even in doing this I make myself more breakable. Gosh. All I want to do is be loved but it seldom comes around and when it does, through an action of my own or not, it just ends up biting me in the butt.
Personally, there are people in my life, of both genders, that I hold dear to me and that have found a special place in my heart. Theses are the types of people that I think of on a daily basis. I then tend to wonder if there is any other person in the world that feels this same way about me? I am sure my mom and my sisters do and maybe even my nana, but it's not the same. Is there any one person whose mind I cross almost daily? Is there any person in my life, be I aware of it or not, that cannot imagine what would happen to their own lives if I was somehow not a part of it? This may all sound quite vain but, if you think about it, is an interesting concept. I think that we as a culture have grown to be so self-focused (OK, stay on point here) that we will not let down our guard or open ourselves up enough to acknowledge our own feelings. I am not exempt from this but I am one key example. How many times have we been staring at a guy we like only to be caught in the act? And instead of confronting those feelings and just letting the guy (or girl, not in my case, however) know it, we look away or feel embarrassed. Is there a time in your life that you have been so angry at someone or something, been treated unfairly or witnessed some for of injustice, and have refrained from speaking your mind for fear of causing a scene, being put down, or of what others will think? It is not an easy thing to do but I think everyone would be a lot closer if the true feelings we all have; love, friendship, anger, sadness, joy, loneliness; were openly shared, and not buried and hidden like something to be ashamed of. Then, on the other hand, I could just be fishing for that (at least) one person to provide the care I so uncharacteristically feel I need.
2 comments:
I think we all want someone from the opposite gender to be there for us. It might give us a different perspecive, and we cling to that hope. Plus because of our beliefs we still believe in looking for someone being with us forever. Having people to turn to in a time of need, they are indeed hard to find. Just know Alec darling that I love you, (even if I say it in a blog post?) and I hope you feel you can talk to me if need be. Feel better. It's hard, but bearable with friends that you can lean on, boy or girl.
Chelsea I absolutely adore you! You are wonderful and I am keenly aware that you are an amazing friend who is there for me when the need arises. Thank you!
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