I have to apologize. I complain about life lessons way too much. Only as of late have I come to actually appreciate the value they carry. It is difficult when several come and attack me at once but once the pain of the lesson is over, the joy of the rewards I am able to reap are that much better. That being said, I have another life lesson!
When I was young my parents separated and then divorced. Being the oldest child, I had a harder time with it that did my sisters. I could remember when things were not tense, stressed, or angry. For years and years after the fact I struggled with feelings I could not understand. I thought in some weird and twisted way that I missed my father, that I wanted him back in my life or that I wanted some form of contact with him. On the other hand, I wanted nothing to do with him and hated him with such a passion that it was actually detrimental to myself. I wanted a father, a daddy, but not Brian (my 'given' father). When I put two and two together I realized that this was the Daddy/Brian Theory. At least, that's what I called it. Only recently have I realized that the name is no longer applicable, seeing as the situation can be applied to other aspects of my life.
As you may know, somewhat recently I was struggling back and forth with myself about the feelings I had for a friend of mine. Do I still feel the way I did? Am I angry or am I hurt? Am I in pain or regretting decisions I made? After taking, well, too much time to be honest, thinking about it, I realized it was the same type of thing. I missed and longed for and regretted losing something that I thought I had, not the actual thing. I don't know if I'm explaining it correctly because it sounds quite nasty as I read it. It's just, the things I thought I needed and such was not, in reality, the person I had. After I could clearly see and realize that fact things fell into place. While I may still be torn at random intervals, it is not as painful because I understand my reactions, as off-key as I may find them.
In a somewhat similar note, I discovered that while it is easier to lay down and give up the fight, only taking the bad into account, 'looking at your leg' as my mom calls it (long story), true happiness comes when you make the effort. "Dying is easy, living is hard." That's the same concept except not so morbid. While one may be easier, in this case giving in to the depression or what not in life, the alternative is so much more worth while. And after having that little tad of information click into place, I can honestly say, for the first time in a very, very long time, I can say that I am happy; deep, true, honest, and genuine. I am happy.
Finally, life is at least starting to fall into place.
When I was young my parents separated and then divorced. Being the oldest child, I had a harder time with it that did my sisters. I could remember when things were not tense, stressed, or angry. For years and years after the fact I struggled with feelings I could not understand. I thought in some weird and twisted way that I missed my father, that I wanted him back in my life or that I wanted some form of contact with him. On the other hand, I wanted nothing to do with him and hated him with such a passion that it was actually detrimental to myself. I wanted a father, a daddy, but not Brian (my 'given' father). When I put two and two together I realized that this was the Daddy/Brian Theory. At least, that's what I called it. Only recently have I realized that the name is no longer applicable, seeing as the situation can be applied to other aspects of my life.
As you may know, somewhat recently I was struggling back and forth with myself about the feelings I had for a friend of mine. Do I still feel the way I did? Am I angry or am I hurt? Am I in pain or regretting decisions I made? After taking, well, too much time to be honest, thinking about it, I realized it was the same type of thing. I missed and longed for and regretted losing something that I thought I had, not the actual thing. I don't know if I'm explaining it correctly because it sounds quite nasty as I read it. It's just, the things I thought I needed and such was not, in reality, the person I had. After I could clearly see and realize that fact things fell into place. While I may still be torn at random intervals, it is not as painful because I understand my reactions, as off-key as I may find them.
In a somewhat similar note, I discovered that while it is easier to lay down and give up the fight, only taking the bad into account, 'looking at your leg' as my mom calls it (long story), true happiness comes when you make the effort. "Dying is easy, living is hard." That's the same concept except not so morbid. While one may be easier, in this case giving in to the depression or what not in life, the alternative is so much more worth while. And after having that little tad of information click into place, I can honestly say, for the first time in a very, very long time, I can say that I am happy; deep, true, honest, and genuine. I am happy.
Finally, life is at least starting to fall into place.
1 comment:
And now your blog is blue and not black. :D I think it fits. Happy Alec fits!
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