Screaming May Be Bad For The Voice But Sometimes It's Good For The Heart.

I am kinda pissed right now. Well, I am actually very much so but overall it's just a little bit. Remember how I don't care what people think about me? That's not so accurate anymore but I can never explain it how I mean to. I do not care in the least if you think I am weird or different or too loud our whatever because I am, and I know that. The thing that bothers me is when you incorrectly judge who I am. And if you don't understand that then I can't really help you there. It's little things like someone asking if you have clothes they can wear for their 'devil twin' costume or making it well known that they think the way you do your makeup is scary. It's also things like being expected to be someone I am inherently not and being judged for not following that stereotype. In addition, ignorance is no excuse. (We're living in my world right now so just go with it.) How is it normal that this is the way things are around me? I really do like who I am but I can't help but feel slightly out of place here. Does this say something about who I am? Apparently it's not normal to be the way I am (or at least to so openly flaunt it) in the community I am in but I like that I am not like everyone else. Am I making any sense? OK - Is it bad that I enjoy who I am and how much I differ from everyone around me because... gosh I wish I could explain it better!

I am not cutsie. I do not like pearls or bows or braids or pink. My goal in life is not to just to be a mommy. I want my role in life to be one that makes an impact in the world. I do not want to be a submissive, there to quietly wait in the background while you bring home the bacon. I'm not going to smile all the time and be laughing and acting like an airhead. I think that the guys that nt this kind of girl are just ridiculous. Who wants someone whose only strengths are to cook, clean, make babies, and look pretty? COME ON!! I just... I don't like being told that this is what I should strive to be, that I should be working towards this goal now so I can be good enough for some good guy to want to come marry me. I refuse to even pretend to be something or someone that I vehemently disagree with. I don't know... I don't know. The moral of the story is to keep your ignorant mouths closed and get used to who I am. Your words are not going to do anything to alter who I am so all they're doing is kind of hurting me... And if that's what your intent really is, you can go ahead and leave my life right now. Because I don't need people like that around me now or ever.

Patience is Currently my Favorite Virtue

I have decided to take up the position of Captain Obvious to begin with and point out that I thoroughly dislike being told what to do. Shocker, right? In some situations I don't even like hearing opinions that contradict my viewpoint. The last few weeks, however, have shown me that I don't always know what's best for myself. Sometimes we need an outsider's unbiased opinion, even if it's not something we want to hear. The point is... well, there are a couple points.

The very first thing I want to say is I am sorry. I realize that I have made some mistakes in my life that have affected more than just myself. There are people in my life that care about me a lot and my sufferings cause them pain as well. I am sorry. It hurts having to watch a car wreck that you know how to stop but are powerless to do so. This is what I did to so many people in my life. I am sorry. I'm sorry for the unkind, hurtful, and disrespectful words I spoke and to all those on the receiving end. There are a few I would like to publicly apologize to, even though it would never be enough; I am sorry Mommy. I am sorry Tyne (and Jorge too). I'm sorry Chelsea. I'm sorry Nate. Please forgive me.

Another thing I've realized is the difference between a good person and a bad person. No, that's not right. I've realized the difference between a good influence in my life and a bad influence in my life. I know the difference (now) between someone who is good for me and who is not. I can recognize the feeling of who is a healthy influence, a good friend, and a presence that only affects me in a negative way. This is the blessing, I think, that is coming from all the pain and hurt I had to go through; clarity in my life.

The biggest point I am trying to make, or at least the one with the most weight, is both a realization and a decision. I know I don't have to worry about trusting others. By keeping myself closed off from others, not only am I turning my life in a direction I don't want to be heading, I am missing out on meeting and having so many beautiful people in my life. (OK, maybe Provo is getting to me a little bit.) I'm not afraid to trust. I am no afraid of letting people into my life. I am not afraid of letting others love me.

For the first time in a long time I feel like my life is moving in an upward direction. While I may not have a clear picture of everything, I have a glimpse of the payoff coming from my trials... and I could not be more excited to embrace what's coming in my life.

So... How's the Water...?

Let's see, what can I say? I think I am afraid again. But this time it's different. I am not sure how to describe it though. Maybe it's just extreme nervousness. Have you ever wanted to jump into a pool but you were not sure what the water was? This is sorta like that. There is part of me that wants to dive in, head first, however reckless it may be. The other part of me though, is more reserved, and knows that this isn't something I can get into without keeping my wits about me. If you jump into the pool expecting it to be heated, the cold water gives you a painful shock. If you're expecting freezing cold water, on top of being crazy to want to jump in, you will be shocked by how seemingly warm the water is. I guess the smart thing to do is dip just a toe in first to gauge the temperature of the pool. Slowly after that, you begin to ease yourself in, bit by bit. Either way, you're going to get wet, so you better want what's coming. The question is do I follow my instincts and open up, like I seldom do, or do I keep myself the way I am? Does that even make sense? I'm assuming this is one of those things in life that requires patience seeing how much it is bothering me. I know that as long as I do what I need to do, I will end up exactly where I am supposed to be, and I will be happy. Now if only I could calm myself down!

P.S. - I'm wearing the smile you gave me.

Convincing Myself

Let's start at the beginning, there's much that you should know.
Just friends is how we started off, but something stronger began to grow.
I fell for you, head over heels. I thought you fell and caught me too.
Young dreams of love were shattered though, when I walked away from you.

Stronger than my love for you, I felt the need to fly away.
Troubled by my tangled thoughts, I wanted nothing more than to stay.
Despite it all, all logic has lost, and my heart still aches for you.
It's buried deep, but I know it's there; the love I can't let go is true.

What hurts the most is the way we've been left; two different ways we've dealt.
For some reason I can't point out, I find myself still feeling everything I felt.
But you don't care about me anymore, you moved on fast and easily.
The care I had, the love I felt, is held inside aimlessly.

You begged when I was honest, let you down, and walked away.
You cried when I would not listen but didn't bother to ask me to stay.
I tried to ease your suffering, thinking that I might have cause you pain.
But I was wrong, you get on just fine without me, so you're the one to blame.

I tried to help you through tough times, there through thick and thin.
I even took down all my carefully built walls and, in entirety, let you in.
You now hold my every secret, you know my every hurt, every worry, every care,
And while you hold the key to my life, you'll never again be there.

I try not to wonder who she is anymore, the one who filled the void I left.
Then I wonder if anything ever was felt, if falling in love was a theft?
Did I give you my heart or was it stolen from me, from a master of disguise?
You tripped me and I fell in love too deep, but no, not you, and that's no surprise.

Do I tell myself I hate you for everything you did and didn't do?
Should I hate you for letting go and moving on, your days of sorrow so few?
Is it myself that I hate, my traitor of a heart, still holding on so tight?
Does it matter who I end up blaming, if the choice I made was right?

I shouldn't miss you and I shouldn't care if the one you're with now cares as I did.
I won't look back and I won't give in, and I'll shed no more tears, heaven forbid.
She's got nothing on me, you know I was the best, and you'll never find anyone better.
I may have left you and I may be at fault, but now your face is all the redder.

You really had a hold on me, one that I now fight every single day.
I've got to listen to myself, work for myself, and it's myself I've got to obey.
You're the loser, the scum, the heartbreaker here, don't try and tell me you're not.
So I let you go and I hope you're happy. Thanks, for warning me to never get caught.

I know better now, thank you, you've opened my eyes to what I need and what I deserve.
After our short lived bliss, our blink of an eye, there's something vital I've observed.
I'll never settle for good, I'm much better than that, when something better is waiting for me.
You were only good, dear, not a great in my book, so now you're just a poor memory.