I have decided to take up the position of Captain Obvious to begin with and point out that I thoroughly dislike being told what to do. Shocker, right? In some situations I don't even like hearing opinions that contradict my viewpoint. The last few weeks, however, have shown me that I don't always know what's best for myself. Sometimes we need an outsider's unbiased opinion, even if it's not something we want to hear. The point is... well, there are a couple points.
The very first thing I want to say is I am sorry. I realize that I have made some mistakes in my life that have affected more than just myself. There are people in my life that care about me a lot and my sufferings cause them pain as well. I am sorry. It hurts having to watch a car wreck that you know how to stop but are powerless to do so. This is what I did to so many people in my life. I am sorry. I'm sorry for the unkind, hurtful, and disrespectful words I spoke and to all those on the receiving end. There are a few I would like to publicly apologize to, even though it would never be enough; I am sorry Mommy. I am sorry Tyne (and Jorge too). I'm sorry Chelsea. I'm sorry Nate. Please forgive me.
Another thing I've realized is the difference between a good person and a bad person. No, that's not right. I've realized the difference between a good influence in my life and a bad influence in my life. I know the difference (now) between someone who is good for me and who is not. I can recognize the feeling of who is a healthy influence, a good friend, and a presence that only affects me in a negative way. This is the blessing, I think, that is coming from all the pain and hurt I had to go through; clarity in my life.
The biggest point I am trying to make, or at least the one with the most weight, is both a realization and a decision. I know I don't have to worry about trusting others. By keeping myself closed off from others, not only am I turning my life in a direction I don't want to be heading, I am missing out on meeting and having so many beautiful people in my life. (OK, maybe Provo is getting to me a little bit.) I'm not afraid to trust. I am no afraid of letting people into my life. I am not afraid of letting others love me.
For the first time in a long time I feel like my life is moving in an upward direction. While I may not have a clear picture of everything, I have a glimpse of the payoff coming from my trials... and I could not be more excited to embrace what's coming in my life.
The very first thing I want to say is I am sorry. I realize that I have made some mistakes in my life that have affected more than just myself. There are people in my life that care about me a lot and my sufferings cause them pain as well. I am sorry. It hurts having to watch a car wreck that you know how to stop but are powerless to do so. This is what I did to so many people in my life. I am sorry. I'm sorry for the unkind, hurtful, and disrespectful words I spoke and to all those on the receiving end. There are a few I would like to publicly apologize to, even though it would never be enough; I am sorry Mommy. I am sorry Tyne (and Jorge too). I'm sorry Chelsea. I'm sorry Nate. Please forgive me.
Another thing I've realized is the difference between a good person and a bad person. No, that's not right. I've realized the difference between a good influence in my life and a bad influence in my life. I know the difference (now) between someone who is good for me and who is not. I can recognize the feeling of who is a healthy influence, a good friend, and a presence that only affects me in a negative way. This is the blessing, I think, that is coming from all the pain and hurt I had to go through; clarity in my life.
The biggest point I am trying to make, or at least the one with the most weight, is both a realization and a decision. I know I don't have to worry about trusting others. By keeping myself closed off from others, not only am I turning my life in a direction I don't want to be heading, I am missing out on meeting and having so many beautiful people in my life. (OK, maybe Provo is getting to me a little bit.) I'm not afraid to trust. I am no afraid of letting people into my life. I am not afraid of letting others love me.
For the first time in a long time I feel like my life is moving in an upward direction. While I may not have a clear picture of everything, I have a glimpse of the payoff coming from my trials... and I could not be more excited to embrace what's coming in my life.
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