You Can't Hide From Shadows

How do you hide from yourself? How do you seperate yourself from, well, yourself? Some things in life are so deeply ingrained within us that it is near impossible to get rid of them. Over time, however, it may come to our attention that these parts that have intertwined within us are actually something that ends up hurting us. No matter which happens, be it the shards within us left to fester or attempting to remove them, we feel pain, and sometimes that pain is beyond anything we have ever felt. The question then, is this: do we turn a blind eye to the cankerous infection within us, pretending it is not there as we believed it to be once before or do we suffer through the pain in order to finally be free and whole once more? If we pretend there isn't something poisonous within then we will eventually rot from the inside out, not being able to do anything until it is too late. If we suffer through the removal of such intrusions, we will not be whole for a long time. There may even be scars left as a reminder of what it was we had to go thorugh. Either way, we are at fault for letting such a thing occur and there will never be a time that we do not know of what is happening inside of us. If the weeds that have mingled in with our garden are left and ignored, our garden, being our self, is ruined. If we attempt to remove the overgrowth, we are left without weeds, but without a garden as well. There is also no guarantee that we will be able to rebuild a garden as we had before. Perhaps I am rambling too much but perhaps there is the one person out there that know what I am talking about. Maybe this will reach the one person that needs to hear it the most. I don't have an answer and I don't have a cure. I am one of the many that is stuck trying to decide what the lesser of two evils is. I am suffering as much as anyone out there. I don't claim to know how to fix ANYTHING, but I do recognize at least, what it is that is happening. From here is where the waters get murky. I'm just glad I have a helping hand to (hopefully) conquer that which awaits me. I only pray that the path I choose to now follow doesn't scare off the only help I have on this journey.

Sweet and Simple

To those of you that feel the need to comment on my life,

Don't

The Idiot Girl

I feel quite compelled to put this out there. It's something that has been on my mind for the past few days and I'm not sure where else to express my feeling without getting 'in trouble' for it. I need to admit, to myself and the world, that I have a family that loves me. It may not be the one I wanted or the one that I expected, but they are still there. And I can't believe how wonderful it feels to be aware of this fact. With everything that I've gone through, in the past to more recent times, I was hurt and blinded to these people. I apologize for my words and my actions. I appreciate every kind thing you do and say, even the things you may not know that I am aware of. I am lucky to have a family.

CCE

Today is Fathers Day. When it would in the past have been a day of negativity, today was not. In thinking about it, I remembered how I used to treat fathers day; as something negative but in trying to make it better, more focused on my mother. She had filled the role of both parents when I was growing up and better than any father figure I was ever going to have. Now may not be the most verbal of times but I'm going to take today to recognize the sacrifices my mother made for me and all of my sisters. Happy Day - this one's for you Mom. (PS, I love you.)

Aut Viam Inveniam Aut Faciam

Feelings change. It's a fact of life. They may get stronger, weaker, or end up swinging in the completely opposite direction, whatever the case my be. It is hard to realize that feelings have changed, though, when the mind and heart still retain memories from when you feelings once were. Say you love someone but due to distance, times, and circumstance, you no longer feel that way. You don't hate this person, you just don't feel the love you did when you were with them. Perhaps the circumstance has made it so you have to place distance between yourself and this person. Because of this it is even harder to understand the feelings you have. Why now do you feel a little bit empty? Why now do you feel fear where there was once excitement? Why can you not wrap your head around the fact that as much as you do not like it, this relationship may be healthier than the one you had before? Why can you not understand that things are better this way, or at least that the end result will be? Why does it still hurt some days and other days feel like liberation at last? Feelings, once so easy to decipher and unwaivering, are not so much anymore. It's something tricky to understand and even more difficult to interpret and accept. I guess every journey of a thousand miles starts with just one step. Here is my one (first) step.

Let's Start a Riot

"Riot" - Three Days Grace

Running yourself into a brick wall will not bring the wall down. At the very most a hole may be made but the wall is still there, and you have taken a great amount of damage (unless you are the Hulk, which I am not). If the wall is keeping you from something, of course it is difficult to stop working on bringing the wall down with your bear hands (or face). As a human race, or pretty much any race for that matter, we want what we want. To learn enough self discipline to learn to ignore those selfish desires is quite a task. Even the best of the self-disclipined don't realize what they are doing until they are already bloodied and broken. The wall is there for a reason, either to keep you out or to protect you from whatever is outside of the wall. Trying to get on the other side of the wall is, therefore, not a good thing. If we do manage, by some miracle to take the wall down by ourselves, we are no longer out of harms way. We are no longer sheltered and protected from the wrath outside of the wall. Either way, no matter what you do, trying to break the wall or bypass it, pain ensues. The only way to avoid the pain is to stop, let go. Relinquish the need to break through and learn to enjoy life in harmony with the wall. It sounds weird, but think of the wall as a form of odd decor in the living room of your life. (Philosophy at it's finest.)

Once I Can Make Ends Meet, the Ends Move.

I am 20 years old, and not by much either. For the past 2 years I have been a student, attending an institution of higher learning, in hopes of obtaining a career to fill my life with. For the past month and a half, I have been working my first ever full time job, and planning on taking the next semester off for financial reasons. When I first began this newest job of mine, I ended up in a conversation discussing the purchase of a home. Due to my ignorance in the financial world, I was under the impression that I was making enough money for myself and with the help of another (aka, buying a home after getting married) I could easily make payments for a small home with the jobs I am currently working. Unfortunately, when you see your paycheck, you realize that you are not making as much as you believed you were. Payments on paper are one thing, but once you actually obtain the money, not only did you think it would be more, but you realize that things work differently in the real world. Working things out on paper gives you a relatively false sense of reality. Once you have money, it is not as easy to follow a strict financial plan. You have money so a candy bar here, or dinner for the two of you there does not seem to cause any harm. After all expenses are paid and you look at you account balances, you wonder where so much of that 'large paycheck' went. Following a life pattern of such shows me that first, I need to get back on the right track financially. Second, I am in no position to make life changing purchases. I am passing through the phase we all do, thinking that I am old enough, I am an adult, and there are 'adult things' I can accomplish on my own. False. There is a reason we are taught to extend our learning beyond the walls of our high schools. The best idea I can think of is to keep our minds on the fact we are adults now, the fact that we are very quickly on our way to becoming 'true' adults with careers and families and financial responsibilities, with more accountability that we have ever had before. It is somewhat true that paying rent is wasting money. Why pay money to someone when you get no return on the investment. Think of how long you have been renting, all the money you have given to the landlord, and think of how much money that could have been towards purchasing a home, something that will be yours and, once paid off, gives you a real sense of security. It's a bit sad, really. But life just works that way sometimes, and all we can do is go with the flow, and get a grip when we can. (Wish me luck in life changes.)

Vines in the Fence

I have heard people say that we control how we feel, that if we are sad or upset or somthing along those lines, it is our own fault; we should be able to get by those feelings and put ourselves in a happier place. I beg to differ. There are things in life that are difficult for us to overcome. And in my opinion, it is not just a mindset because there are things so ingrained within us, it is not our choice to 'get over it' or not. We can try all we want, but the most we can do is mask the true feeling. Sooner or later that mask is going to slip, fall off, or break. When it does, there is no stopping or holding back the feelings you've been trying to hide.

I feel guilty. I feel like I need to apologize. I feel so bad that I seem to hurt everyone involved as well as those around me. I feel that, well I don't know exactly what I feel. It changes from minute to minute. Sometimes I need to be alone. Other times I want to go back. Then there are days that I feel I made the best decision in the world. Most days, I want nothing more than to be able to somehow fix things to a better state. Unfortunately, I am not sure what to do to settle on one feeling or to not let all the ones I have overwhelm me so much.

If you're are reading this, please don't think that you have not done enough for me. Please do not feel that you are slapping me in the face and please do not be upset that, for reasons I cannot pinpoint, I still feel guilty. You know that this is hard and I thank you for putting up with me. I see your mask too, the one that covers how hurt you are and how hard this has been for you. I hate having parts of my life hurt you. You are indefinantly a part of my life, just as they are still, present or not, and therefore what pains me, affects you as well. I hate that. You don't deserve to feel pain when it's not yours. And you staying by my side, willingly, means more than I could ever tell you in words.

If you are reading this please know that I love you still. Please know that I think about you almost everyday. I try not to think about the way things have been most recently, but about the way things used to be. I keep in mind why I did what I did and try to fight why it hurts so much. I think of ways that I could let you know what I think, but nothing works because I still get hurt. I can't hurt myself. I can't not function on a daily basis because of words that were said or actions that were taken. One day maybe. One day maybe things will change, and we will be able to laugh again and love.

It is difficult to make decisions, especially when they are the big decisions, the ones that can redirect where you are going in life and how you are getting there. The ones that are big and scary and on the other end of the spectrum from, "What should I eat today?" These are the decisions that help us grow, though. These are the ones that help us find who we are and show us how we conduct and handle ourselves in the real world. Because life is not easy. We have to tailor ourselves to the situations we find ourselves in. And that hurts. Ripping seams, cutting to make it fit right, stitching up the mistakes; all these actions make us who we are. And most of the time they also make us who we are supposed to be, we fit the way we should into the pattern of life. It doesn't always seem that way, because we can't see the big picture until after all the pain has passed and the trial we had to go through is over. This makes me wonder about my life. If there is someway that I can change my mindset to actually believe and feel the words I pen. But I know that it's impossible. The feelings and the pain are intertwined within me far too deeply and removal is impossible. All I can do is wait on everything to take its course, and pray... Just pray that everything will be alright.

A New Beginning

It's a new year... 2010. And I could say that it's a whole new me, but it's not a whole new me. I'm still myself and I'm not planning on morphing into an entirely different person. What I do plan to do, however, is to try and place more emphasis on the good, to elaborate on the little, important, and meaningful things in life. There's all the normal resolutions like get in shape, eat healthier, do better in school, etc. I have more than that though. I want to get my priorities in order. I want to not worry so much. I want to mend relationships that I have damaged. I want to show the people I care instead of just assuming. I want to save my money. I guess, in the words of someone close to me, my ultimate goal is to show and act like an adult. That sounds pretty silly I guess but there's not really anything else that seems to fit. I'm excited about this year. I'm excited to see where things go this year. I'm excited to better myself and place emphasis on the good. I'm thankful for a wonderful family. I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful that I am blessed enough to attend the university I do. I am thankful to be with such an amazing man. So far, this year, and, at the risk of sounding too optimistic, this decade, has started off on a good note.