I'm Broken When I'm Open and I Don't Feel Like I am Strong Enough...

Can someone, anyone, tell me what is going on in my life? Is there any person out there that can give me the slightest idea as to why my life is in total and complete shambles? You'd think that once you hit rock bottom things would just suck from there. No. My life is not that easy. I've hit rock bottom and, apparently, I see the need to try and dig deeper. (I don't actually think I'm doing that but it was an intriguing analogy.)

"Break the rules. Stand apart. Ignore your head. Follow your heart." I'd love to think that I follow this in my own life but it's getting more and more difficult. I do not know if following my heart works like it used to. Can you follow a broken heart? Can a heart that has been wrenched, scarred, tattered, abused, and torn even give good advice anymore? Or is listening to a heart that has been through so much pain comparable to a form of mental illness? What about listening to what other people say? It's true that nobody can know what you are feeling or all about your life so advice they give you is just that - advice. Do they know better than the person that is feeling? Do people looking in from the outside truly know better than the person with the broken heart? Also, is it at all possible for there to be different paths in life? Can one person believe their path should be choice A when the rest of the world says that path B is the one they should take? Can both parties be right? Is it possible, that even though theirs is the 'unpopular' choice, the person choosing path A knows themselves well enough to prove the rest of the world wrong? And as always happens when I get passionate, I am not making any sense.

On to my next qualm with the world. Emotions. As of late I simply cannot control mine. One side effect of this is one that makes me quite miserable. "I don't know why they call it a broken heart when it feels like all of me is broken." I have made very stupid decisions in life, some of which have really hurt me. I am not the only one that I have ever hurt and I am deeply remorseful for this fact. There is one choice in particular that has been bothering me for quite some time. Actually, if we're going to be honest, I don't think I was ever comfortable with this decision. And now, on top of all the joys going on in my life, I cannot help but revisit this decision... over and over and over and over and over. I wish it was easy to figure out. I wish there was one correct decision and that it was blatantly obvious. Here comes the honesty again... I also want it to be the decision I want it to be. Don't misunderstand and think that the answer is there but I am ignoring it because it isn't the one that I want. It is nothing like that at all. I know what I feel but I don't know what to do with it...

As always when I'm stressed, I write. When I'm really, really stressed, I write a lot. So here you go...

(P.S. - This is a collection... they're not all from one... setting, I guess.)

Still Feeling
I can tell it to my family, I can tell it to my friends.
I can tell it to myself, but it never really ends.
No matter how I say it, inside it stays the same.
I even made you believe it, but I'm the only one to blame.

Why can I not let go? Why are you still in my heart?
Why is it so hard to keep it together, when I'm really falling apart?
This isn't right and this isn't the way it's supposed to be,
But for some reason I just can't get over you and me.

You were always there for me and could always make me smile,
I knew I loved you and you loved me, even though it took a while.
But something wasn't right and I couldn't ignore that fact.
Now I can't help but wonder if I should not have turned my back.

I wonder where you are and what you're doing without me there.
I wonder if you ever even think of me and how much I really cared.
I know that I still think of you and can't help but love you still.
I wonder if this gaping hole will ever be fully filled.

I shake inside, fighting against the tide of feelings I try so hard to hide.
What would everyone think, even you, if everyone knew that I lied?
How could I ever tell that you're always on my mind, in my heart, on my soul?
I try so hard to keep this locked inside, but I'm slowly losing control.

Are you still alone or do I sometimes cross your mind?
We may have been almost dysfunctional but I worry that I'll never find,
Another one like you, one that makes me feel the way you did.
It pains me to think I'm the only one in this state, everything I've hid.

I pray for you always, no longer the two of us.
I hope this all will go away, soothed by time's forgetful dust.
But if we're going to be honest, I guess I have to say,
That really, truly, I don't think I want these feelings to go away.

My Apology, My Gift
I hate that you're still on my mind and I can't get rid of you.
I hate everything you did to me, my emotions black and blue.
I hate that I had to leave you; I broke both our hearts that day.
I hate that I still question all the words I had to say.

I cry myself to sleep sometimes because my heart just aches.
I cry and try to hide the pain, so much of it I shake.
I cry for all the pain, the hurt, and tears I made you cry.
I cry because there's nothing I can do; I cannot even try.

I wonder if you think of me with good feelings or with bad.
I wonder if, when you think of me, it still makes you sad.
I wonder if you've really let me go, if you've really moved on.
I wonder why I'm the only one that is pained that you're still gone.

I love you still, despite it all, and I think I always will.
I love the jouy we had together and i miss our loving thrill.
I love the memories, I hold them dear, be they bad or be they good.
I love you, I know it, it's always there, but I don't know if I should.

I pray for daily strength to help me through this stony course.
I pray that I may overcome my violent remorse.
I pray for you, almost every day, that you may be safe too.
I pray for you, even though we're over, and you don't have a clue.

I wish that this was easy, I wish this wasn't hard.
I wish that I had fought back, had gone the extra yard.
I wish that I could tell you what I think and how I feel.
I wish that what we had together, could once again be real.

Broken Hearts
I broke your heart, which broke your own,
And now I'm here and I'm all alone.
I never meant to hurt you, never meant to make you cry.
But crying is all I do now, and you're the reason why.

"A vicious manner, a bitter taste," those words still haunt my thoughts.
All the good things that we had, because of me, was lost.
I am so sorry I left you so betrayed, with a gaping wound to heal.
Please believe me when I tell you what I felt was so very real.

I wish that I had chosen to walk a different path,
One that would not have manifested all your pain as wrath.
I know I can't take all the blame, but I can't help but feel,
That, if we can, only time, might help us both to heal.

Part of me wants to reach out again, even if it's only friends.
I just can't bear the fact that everything good has to end.
I wish I could hold you once again, keep you safe inside my arms.
If only I could shelter both of us from all the world's harms.

I know I keep you in my mind, be the memories good or bad.
It always brings tears to my eyes, to think of you so sad.
I turned a deaf ear to your fervent pleas to listen one more time,
And words can't express the pain I feel, the regret that is my bind.

I don't know if you'd listen, I'm not even sure where you are,
But here are my words, my apology, that I'll send off from afar.
I am sorrier than you will ever know, no words can make it right,
And even though it's me who left, my eyes hunger for your sight.

I can't ask for your kindness, can't ask you to be around.
It's only fair, it's your choice to turn, and leave me alone and broken on the ground.
One day we might get over this, one day we might be friends.
I pray for the courage I'll need that day, to make the right amends.

So here it is, I give my all, my heart displayed for you to see.
There's nothing more I can do or say and I'm standing here, just me.
You still mean so much to me, out of everyone in the world.
I'm here if you can change your mind and forgive a stupid girl...

Maybe We Can Save Ourselves and Maybe We Won't. But it Doesn't Even Matter if We've Got a Plan as Long as We're Holding on to Somebody's Hand.

So life is insane. Literally. I am doing a little bit better, or at least there aren't as many bad days as there have been. I am beginning to wonder if a good amount of the drama in my life is my own fault. I think that I bring a lot of needless drama into my life and I wonder why... I think that I don't think some of the situations I put myself in will end up causing drama. It surely is something to think about.

I am back to the point of wishing that everyone would be straightforward with everyone else so there would be no lies or misread feelings. I am trying to live this way in my own life and am taking the first step, well, almost as we speak. Honesty is brutal and can hurt one or both of the parties involved but everyone deserves to be respected enough to have the truth told to their face. It's easier to hide, like I've previously said, but sometimes we need to buck up and do the things we don't want to in order to right by another person. And you have no clue what I am rambling about... Nice.

What else is new in life. Well, I hate work and it's killing my social life. I get to see Clarky tonight but that's just because he's seriously worried about me and everything. I could care less if he was coming down here to propose to me; I'm just glad that I get to see someone. That's about it, really. Kicking and scraming against life but that's nothing you didn't already know...

Take Away the Sensation Inside, Bittersweet Migraine in my Head. It's Like a Throbbing Toothache of the Mind, I Can't Take This Feeling Anymore...

It's Brian all over again! Holy crap and there's nothing I can do about it! Why does life see fit to throw all this at me right now?? Seriously, I am not sure how much I can handle. I am fine at dealing with pain and hardships and the like as long as it is not in direct relation to me. I have spent so much time in my life hiding and putting up walls and fortifying myself against any outside form of harm and now I have to change all that. On top of it all, I have to open up and change at a time when all this crap is happening! How did I not notice that she did everything he did, almost exactly? I can't honestly be that stupid... And then my reactions are completely irrational. I swear I am over him but it's that Daddy/Brian thing again. It only feels this way because I have nothing to compare it to. Is there any way to control my subconscious? It took me years to realize and get over my confusion between Brian and wanting a Daddy. But this time I am aware but can't get over it. I have no idea what to do about that. I can't explain it right to anyone and the only person who really understands is mama. Then, I feel like I can't talk to her because she is always so worried about me. Every time I talk to her she apologizes for not being here for me or tells me she wishes she was here with/for me or, the worst, apologizing for what happened with Brian. I can't stand to add more to her plate when she already has so much going on. But, seriously, there is nobody else that is like that. I have great and amazing and supportive friends that I can talk to and tell anything but it just isn't the same, and I can't help that. I am just confused why I have to learn all this at once. Must I really be completely broken in order to be whole again?

On another note, I am worried that my heart has taken too much pain and damage to ever really be whole again. I don't think that I will ever be able to get back to the state I was in before we all got sick; before the world started to come down. It's almost like I am emotionally disfigured. I know it doesn't make sense but it's another one of those things I am working on. I keep telling myself that I am not damaged goods or anything of the like but it's hard to think that way. And how am I supposed to be open and inviting to those around me if I am emotionally wrecked? I can't keep faking and fronting but I'm barely going to be able to function. I'm in between a rock and a hard place so I'm not sure how I am supposed to turn that corner in my life.

And now I'm going to end my rantings before I say things I know I'll regret admitting.

Sometimes You Have to Step Outside the Person You've Been and Remember the Person You Were Meant to Be. The Person You Want to Be. The Person You Are.

Life is rough at the moment... but in the way sandpaper is. It is coarse and can be very painful but it's just preparation for something more beautiful. I have complained and fought and suffered under the burden of life for too long. Today is the day I begin to take the first, treacherous step that leads me to a turning point in my life; to realize life is a gift and a celebration that should be enjoyed. I am sure of this. I know that if I can only hold on for a while longer, things will get better. I am not going to reach another plateau in life, but I will actually make some progress upwards! The upward journey, however, will feel more like a downhill journey because now I see with painful clarity what I have to do.

I remember a few years back when a pipe burst in the basement of our house. This pipe, located on the back of the washing machine, proceeded to flood the entire basement with about an inch of water. Difficult as this was to clean and rectify, the worse part was the wall against which the washer was situated. We may have cleaned all the water off the floors and cleaned anything else that was drenched in water, but the wall was another case. At first, it looked alright, just a little water stained. It wasn't long, though, until we realized that this little wall was where the majority of the damage was hidden. The water had started to rot the wall from the inside out. Because we were not aware of it right away, we had to bring the whole wall down to rubble and start from scratch. This process was more painful and time consuming than it should have been because we were unaware of the real problem.

This is what is wrong with me. I am the wall. The things that I have done to myself have had the same effect as the water. I have turned into something that needs to be stripped down to the beams and wires in order to be rebuilt. I am so immensely scare of doing this because I have spent so much time and effort making myself into what I am now. In order to be who I am supposed to be, and to serve the function I am made to do, just like the wall, I need to strip away everything; this includes my true self. I am going to have to expose myself completely... and I'm just hoping I can do it.

There are a few things I know will not change when I rebuild myself. I know what I like and what I do not like and, for the most part, know who I am. I am rough, bold and loud. I am not gentle, light, or theatrical. I don't do beautiful or cutsie well - I am inherently hott and sexy. (OK - Lemmie build my self esteem a bit here...) I am intelligent and confident. I am not someone who is merely stumbling through life; I may not know where I am at the moment, but I have a clear picture of where I am going. Things are going to get better and all I have to do is fight and hold on. Good thing those are two of the things I do the best in life, right?

Don't Turn Away, Don't Try to Hide. Don't Close Your Eyes, Don't Turn Out the Lights.

Apart from our head, our bodies tend to have memories. "Fingertips have memories; I can't forget the curves of your body." Well, it's not actually the same thing but it is similar. For a not depressing example, I recall sitting down to a poli sci lecture one afternoon and was promptly driven nuts by the two guys between whom I sat. One of them was wearing cologne, which on it's own would have had a major affect on me. On top of that though, it reminded me of a guy I was once with. The other one had gum or a mint or something that reminded me of one of the last guys I kissed. So, my body reacted to my surroundings before my mind could actually process the situation. Now this type of reaction is not bad, just inconvenient. What about other types of reactions though?

What if you know something happened in your life, you just have no proof of it? How do you obtain comfort or closure when the only memories you have are feelings? How do you get out of a situation you have avoided for so long now when your body no longer suppresses the entirety of the event in question? It's not feasible to succumb to such violent feelings but fighting them just makes the pain worse. Fear is not an option if one wishes to survive and function. Fear is for the weak and those that cannot handle such shaking occasions. Someone who has been strong for so long and for so many cannot fall victim to terror. It's easier to be angry and mad and to fight everyone and everything around you. Don't let anyone in because the more people who know where your heart is, the more likely it is to be damaged. Trust is not all it's cracked up to be either, especially when it's always been broken. Isn't it lovely the flow of undo terror that comes when the mind cannot control itself? Isn't it just peachy to feel like you have no control, to not know where you are or where to go from wherever it is you are?

"Pain doesn't hurt when it's all you've ever felt." I beg to differ. Pain is pain and hurts like a mother no matter who you are or how long you've been in pain. It's the amount of pain you can take and handle in life. If you've been exposed to pain all of your life than you are able to deal better than someone who has grown up extremely sheltered. Some are born with naturally high pain thresholds while others grow into them. I am one who has grown into it. And no matter how high I keep putting my bar, the pain somehow makes it's way to a new level that I have not secured myself against. I'm just such a FING lucky girl.