It's Brian all over again! Holy crap and there's nothing I can do about it! Why does life see fit to throw all this at me right now?? Seriously, I am not sure how much I can handle. I am fine at dealing with pain and hardships and the like as long as it is not in direct relation to me. I have spent so much time in my life hiding and putting up walls and fortifying myself against any outside form of harm and now I have to change all that. On top of it all, I have to open up and change at a time when all this crap is happening! How did I not notice that she did everything he did, almost exactly? I can't honestly be that stupid... And then my reactions are completely irrational. I swear I am over him but it's that Daddy/Brian thing again. It only feels this way because I have nothing to compare it to. Is there any way to control my subconscious? It took me years to realize and get over my confusion between Brian and wanting a Daddy. But this time I am aware but can't get over it. I have no idea what to do about that. I can't explain it right to anyone and the only person who really understands is mama. Then, I feel like I can't talk to her because she is always so worried about me. Every time I talk to her she apologizes for not being here for me or tells me she wishes she was here with/for me or, the worst, apologizing for what happened with Brian. I can't stand to add more to her plate when she already has so much going on. But, seriously, there is nobody else that is like that. I have great and amazing and supportive friends that I can talk to and tell anything but it just isn't the same, and I can't help that. I am just confused why I have to learn all this at once. Must I really be completely broken in order to be whole again?
On another note, I am worried that my heart has taken too much pain and damage to ever really be whole again. I don't think that I will ever be able to get back to the state I was in before we all got sick; before the world started to come down. It's almost like I am emotionally disfigured. I know it doesn't make sense but it's another one of those things I am working on. I keep telling myself that I am not damaged goods or anything of the like but it's hard to think that way. And how am I supposed to be open and inviting to those around me if I am emotionally wrecked? I can't keep faking and fronting but I'm barely going to be able to function. I'm in between a rock and a hard place so I'm not sure how I am supposed to turn that corner in my life.
And now I'm going to end my rantings before I say things I know I'll regret admitting.
On another note, I am worried that my heart has taken too much pain and damage to ever really be whole again. I don't think that I will ever be able to get back to the state I was in before we all got sick; before the world started to come down. It's almost like I am emotionally disfigured. I know it doesn't make sense but it's another one of those things I am working on. I keep telling myself that I am not damaged goods or anything of the like but it's hard to think that way. And how am I supposed to be open and inviting to those around me if I am emotionally wrecked? I can't keep faking and fronting but I'm barely going to be able to function. I'm in between a rock and a hard place so I'm not sure how I am supposed to turn that corner in my life.
And now I'm going to end my rantings before I say things I know I'll regret admitting.
1 comment:
Well...it's kinda like me and my thoughts. I never thought I could control them. 8 years later, I'm just starting to be able to. It's a very long time and it's very hard. It will never become easier, but! You will find you are stronger against it and can fight it the more you do.
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