Sometimes You Have to Step Outside the Person You've Been and Remember the Person You Were Meant to Be. The Person You Want to Be. The Person You Are.

Life is rough at the moment... but in the way sandpaper is. It is coarse and can be very painful but it's just preparation for something more beautiful. I have complained and fought and suffered under the burden of life for too long. Today is the day I begin to take the first, treacherous step that leads me to a turning point in my life; to realize life is a gift and a celebration that should be enjoyed. I am sure of this. I know that if I can only hold on for a while longer, things will get better. I am not going to reach another plateau in life, but I will actually make some progress upwards! The upward journey, however, will feel more like a downhill journey because now I see with painful clarity what I have to do.

I remember a few years back when a pipe burst in the basement of our house. This pipe, located on the back of the washing machine, proceeded to flood the entire basement with about an inch of water. Difficult as this was to clean and rectify, the worse part was the wall against which the washer was situated. We may have cleaned all the water off the floors and cleaned anything else that was drenched in water, but the wall was another case. At first, it looked alright, just a little water stained. It wasn't long, though, until we realized that this little wall was where the majority of the damage was hidden. The water had started to rot the wall from the inside out. Because we were not aware of it right away, we had to bring the whole wall down to rubble and start from scratch. This process was more painful and time consuming than it should have been because we were unaware of the real problem.

This is what is wrong with me. I am the wall. The things that I have done to myself have had the same effect as the water. I have turned into something that needs to be stripped down to the beams and wires in order to be rebuilt. I am so immensely scare of doing this because I have spent so much time and effort making myself into what I am now. In order to be who I am supposed to be, and to serve the function I am made to do, just like the wall, I need to strip away everything; this includes my true self. I am going to have to expose myself completely... and I'm just hoping I can do it.

There are a few things I know will not change when I rebuild myself. I know what I like and what I do not like and, for the most part, know who I am. I am rough, bold and loud. I am not gentle, light, or theatrical. I don't do beautiful or cutsie well - I am inherently hott and sexy. (OK - Lemmie build my self esteem a bit here...) I am intelligent and confident. I am not someone who is merely stumbling through life; I may not know where I am at the moment, but I have a clear picture of where I am going. Things are going to get better and all I have to do is fight and hold on. Good thing those are two of the things I do the best in life, right?