Deep Into That Darkness Peering, Long I Stood There, Wondering... Fearing... Doubting...

Raise of hands, who enjoys making choices that they do not want to? Exactly. But I can't really agree with this, now can I, because I am the one who made the choice. Aren't I? New raise of hands: Who has ever had an event (or several if you're lucky like me) which caused their heart to break? I'm not talking about something that was hard or heart-wrenching or painful. I mean a time when it felt like your heart has actually broken, physically. If you ever have I am so sorry because I know exactly how you feel. "I don't know why they call it heartbreak when it feels like all of me is broken." But we're back to the point that I can't be complaining about this because there is nowhere to place blame but on myself. I may have a broken heart but I'm the one that broke it. A rock and a hard place, the lesser of two evils - I had to make a choice, and choose I did.

Dear Agony:

Oh. My. Gosh. I don't even know what to think right now. I don't know if I even can think! Events in my life are scaring me to death and the realizations that come along with them are even more terrifying. OK, see if this can be followed...

I complain all the time. I know this and so do the people around me so that's not a big surprise. One of the things that I gripe about is the fact that there are so few people in my life that I can trust. I complain that anyone I have ever trusted or relied on in one point in time or another in my life have gone and done something stupid and screwed up. This is why I don't trust. This is why I do not open up easily. This is why I am bitter at times. I just cannot understand why I would be cursed with such a lot in life. Until now, I have never even entertained the idea that these things could be my fault.

You may know that at times I consider myself to be somewhat masochistic. I honestly believe that, subconsciously, this is true. Why? People in my life, for a vast majority of them anyway, suck, to be generally blunt. But the way things turn out, the relationships I have with these people, the fact that everything ends up completely screwed, is all my fault. I swear to goodness it is. I don't open and I don't trust so there are people that are around me that cannot help because they are ignorant of what is going on in my life. Then there are the people that I do put my trust in and these people fall into two different categories. The first of them is the 'bad people'. These are those with whom I have a bad relationship, those that in bonding with, I have made a poor decision. It's not that these 'friends' all of a sudden turn on me or do something stupid, because they were this way all along; I was just a poor judge of character and too stupid to see it beforehand. The second category encompasses the people in my life that really do care about me but that I push away. I find fault with these people as an excuse to push them out of my life. That's what it looks like from my point of view, anyway... And I have absolutely no idea why. Who in their right mind would not want to have anyone in their life? Why do I see the need to be alone? You know what I mean. I am so terrified it's ridiculous. How in the world am I supposed to function?

There are people in my life that care about me. The few that I know without a doubt are some of the most dear people to me. My relationships with these people range from having to work to build trust, to a roller coaster of emotions leading to trust, to the unexplainable fact that there are just people you inherently trust, be it right or wrong. People that I trust in life though, have shown, as I have said, that I am not the best judge of character though so the inherent trust thing is nerve-wracking. I don't know how to work through this situation. I don't know how I am supposed to get to the core of my problems or whatever the heck is wrong with me, and fix what's broken. I do not know how to tell if someone has the tendency to burn me until it's too late. I don't know why I push people away, let alone how to stop.

I think I understand those 'wild children', the ones who nobody can handle and they end up completely wayward choosing all the wrong paths. They don't care. That's the simple truth. They do not care. There is no worrying about the future or what people think of them or anything. They are going to do whatever it is that they want to feel good. BECAUSE THEY DON'T CARE. And I'm slightly envious. How easy would it bee not to care? How easy would it be to not worry about the future or anything past the next day? Granted, this is one of the stupidest things a person could do and sometimes the choices that are made while in this state of mind are irreversible. But just for once, it would be so nice not to care. It would be so nice to not struggle and worry and fight and... care. It's like a splendidly dangerous vacation.

Someone once told me that I was described as one of those people that won't learn unless it's through experience. As offended as I was, they're not wrong. I never get things the first time. I never just listen to advice. I have to do it my way and nothing is going to stop that until I fall on my face and realize that my way is not going to work. The fact that I know this about myself still doesn't change this. Even though I understand this part of myself, I can't stop. Maybe this ties in with the trust thing. I don't know.

So where do I go from here? Heck I don't know so what good is that? I guess the only things to do now are push people out of my life and fall on my face. Good thing it's at least something I'm used to.

Words Like Violence Break the Silence, Come Crashing In, Into My Little World.

What in the world am I going to do? All my life I have been so proud of the relationship I have with my family. I have felt so lucky to have such a strong connection with them that seems rare among my peers. The situation I am currently in may most likely jeopardize what I have with them, though. I promise I'm not a complete idiot and that everything on my end, as well as on that of my family I believe, is totally justified.

There are people in my life, friends that I have, that on several occasions have voiced their concern that the relationship I have with my family is... odd, I guess; that I need to 'grow up' and make decisions for myself. Admittedly I detest making decisions, mostly because if the consequences end up negative, I can take no part in the blame. I guess you could say that I have a problem with responsibility, but not in every sense... if that even makes sense. :P

"Sometimes God calms the storm and sometimes the sailor. But other times, He just lets him swim." In church I have learned that there are times we pray for an answer and are given neither conformation or disapproval. I understand now that it's these times where, for some reason, be it faith the Lord has in us or a needed learning experience, that we much choose the path to follow on our own. And I think that I am actually facing one of those decisions in my life now. I am just so worried that I am going to mess something up terribly! I guess all one can do is try, right? I'm gonna need a whole lotta luck since I'm not privy to the guidance I so desire... so start wishing!

Welcome to the Game.

Everyone knows that gossip is bad. There is nothing good that comes from talking about another behind their back. Now I have had to deal with people who think negatively of me in my life but I guess it can be said that they have been courteous enough to speak to my face instead of behind my back. Let's be clear though, I do not enjoy either one but if someone is going to slander my name, I much prefer it done to my face by someone with a spine than a coward sneaking behind my back. You hear stories of vicious girls talking about each other and all the typical high school drama involving girls crying in the bathroom and the stereotypical stuff of the movies. I always thought it was cliche and over dramatic. What I didn't realize was that it is real. There are actually people in the world that do those kinds of things and the reactions portrayed by the victims of the hurtful words are not exaggerating in the least. It hurts. It is more likely than not that nobody of consequence will ever read this, which is in part why I am writing it. And by nobody of consequence, I mean anyone that I am speaking of.

I do not know what I can do or say because I am not sure how I am feeling. I am hurt and there are many people involved in my feeling this way. I am confused as to why people I know feel the need to speak negatively of me. In my life I try to build others up and conduct myself in a way that, if someone were to say something bad about me, nobody would believe it. Have I failed then? I am angry at the way things are working out and that some people in my life have so little faith in me. Part of my anger is unjustified and I know it. It's just easier to be angry than to give in to the tears, even though I have done plenty of that over the past few days. I hate, well, I'll say the situation even though I'd like to say the people involved. If you didn't know, one of my least favorite things ever is crying. And this past weekend brought the joy of hours and hours of sobbing. I think something that makes whatever you want to call this situation so hard is the fact that I am torn. I believe in myself but does the fact that I do make me delusional? If I am delusional, how come so many people agree with me? "Does the pain weigh out the pride?" Unfortunately, I think I am committed to my decision, whatever that may be. I just hope I don't end up pushing myself off the edge.

Just So You Know, You Taught Me What Love Is.

"I'm not a fighter, but I'll fight for what I love." This statement, I've realized, fits my life so perfectly it's not even funny. I am so sick and tired of fighting. There is so much coming at me left and right that it's impossible that I'm in the correct lane. Do you realize how easy it would be to just lay down and not care about anything anymore? It would be such a relief to not have that burden... But even if dropping everything was an option, I could never bring myself to do it. The thing that's stopping me is not fear, but love. I will not fall because I am fighting for things I love; my mom, my family, my future, myself. I fight tooth and nail against all of it (the negative and hardships, of course) because it is the only thing I can do. I cannot make my mom better. I cannot fix my family. I cannot be where I want in the future if I don't fight. I cannot give in and bring myself to a state of fallen grace. It's a very curious thing to think about. Really.

Look around you or at me. How many people would guess or even believe half the things that are going on in my life? I'm not asking anyone to because I'm hiding it all. But I am sure that I'm not the only one doing this. If everyone was more perceptive I think we all, myself included, would be surprised to find out things about our peers. I wonder if it's human nature to fight. Is it something that we are born with and that we tend to over the hardship of the years? I guess this can only be applied to what Christ said, "I never said it would be easy, I only said it'd be worth it." Gosh, I really hope that it's worth it in the end. I hope that I am doing enough now to make my life after this more pleasant than mine is now. I am holding on to that small hope and the words of my Savior but I can't help but remember... "Nobody ever said it would be easy, but nobody ever said it would be this hard, either."

I'm barely starting to mend my heart in all aspects. This just can't happen now.