Oh. My. Gosh. I don't even know what to think right now. I don't know if I even can think! Events in my life are scaring me to death and the realizations that come along with them are even more terrifying. OK, see if this can be followed...
I complain all the time. I know this and so do the people around me so that's not a big surprise. One of the things that I gripe about is the fact that there are so few people in my life that I can trust. I complain that anyone I have ever trusted or relied on in one point in time or another in my life have gone and done something stupid and screwed up. This is why I don't trust. This is why I do not open up easily. This is why I am bitter at times. I just cannot understand why I would be cursed with such a lot in life. Until now, I have never even entertained the idea that these things could be my fault.
You may know that at times I consider myself to be somewhat masochistic. I honestly believe that, subconsciously, this is true. Why? People in my life, for a vast majority of them anyway, suck, to be generally blunt. But the way things turn out, the relationships I have with these people, the fact that everything ends up completely screwed, is all my fault. I swear to goodness it is. I don't open and I don't trust so there are people that are around me that cannot help because they are ignorant of what is going on in my life. Then there are the people that I do put my trust in and these people fall into two different categories. The first of them is the 'bad people'. These are those with whom I have a bad relationship, those that in bonding with, I have made a poor decision. It's not that these 'friends' all of a sudden turn on me or do something stupid, because they were this way all along; I was just a poor judge of character and too stupid to see it beforehand. The second category encompasses the people in my life that really do care about me but that I push away. I find fault with these people as an excuse to push them out of my life. That's what it looks like from my point of view, anyway... And I have absolutely no idea why. Who in their right mind would not want to have anyone in their life? Why do I see the need to be alone? You know what I mean. I am so terrified it's ridiculous. How in the world am I supposed to function?
There are people in my life that care about me. The few that I know without a doubt are some of the most dear people to me. My relationships with these people range from having to work to build trust, to a roller coaster of emotions leading to trust, to the unexplainable fact that there are just people you inherently trust, be it right or wrong. People that I trust in life though, have shown, as I have said, that I am not the best judge of character though so the inherent trust thing is nerve-wracking. I don't know how to work through this situation. I don't know how I am supposed to get to the core of my problems or whatever the heck is wrong with me, and fix what's broken. I do not know how to tell if someone has the tendency to burn me until it's too late. I don't know why I push people away, let alone how to stop.
I think I understand those 'wild children', the ones who nobody can handle and they end up completely wayward choosing all the wrong paths. They don't care. That's the simple truth. They do not care. There is no worrying about the future or what people think of them or anything. They are going to do whatever it is that they want to feel good. BECAUSE THEY DON'T CARE. And I'm slightly envious. How easy would it bee not to care? How easy would it be to not worry about the future or anything past the next day? Granted, this is one of the stupidest things a person could do and sometimes the choices that are made while in this state of mind are irreversible. But just for once, it would be so nice not to care. It would be so nice to not struggle and worry and fight and... care. It's like a splendidly dangerous vacation.
Someone once told me that I was described as one of those people that won't learn unless it's through experience. As offended as I was, they're not wrong. I never get things the first time. I never just listen to advice. I have to do it my way and nothing is going to stop that until I fall on my face and realize that my way is not going to work. The fact that I know this about myself still doesn't change this. Even though I understand this part of myself, I can't stop. Maybe this ties in with the trust thing. I don't know.
So where do I go from here? Heck I don't know so what good is that? I guess the only things to do now are push people out of my life and fall on my face. Good thing it's at least something I'm used to.
I complain all the time. I know this and so do the people around me so that's not a big surprise. One of the things that I gripe about is the fact that there are so few people in my life that I can trust. I complain that anyone I have ever trusted or relied on in one point in time or another in my life have gone and done something stupid and screwed up. This is why I don't trust. This is why I do not open up easily. This is why I am bitter at times. I just cannot understand why I would be cursed with such a lot in life. Until now, I have never even entertained the idea that these things could be my fault.
You may know that at times I consider myself to be somewhat masochistic. I honestly believe that, subconsciously, this is true. Why? People in my life, for a vast majority of them anyway, suck, to be generally blunt. But the way things turn out, the relationships I have with these people, the fact that everything ends up completely screwed, is all my fault. I swear to goodness it is. I don't open and I don't trust so there are people that are around me that cannot help because they are ignorant of what is going on in my life. Then there are the people that I do put my trust in and these people fall into two different categories. The first of them is the 'bad people'. These are those with whom I have a bad relationship, those that in bonding with, I have made a poor decision. It's not that these 'friends' all of a sudden turn on me or do something stupid, because they were this way all along; I was just a poor judge of character and too stupid to see it beforehand. The second category encompasses the people in my life that really do care about me but that I push away. I find fault with these people as an excuse to push them out of my life. That's what it looks like from my point of view, anyway... And I have absolutely no idea why. Who in their right mind would not want to have anyone in their life? Why do I see the need to be alone? You know what I mean. I am so terrified it's ridiculous. How in the world am I supposed to function?
There are people in my life that care about me. The few that I know without a doubt are some of the most dear people to me. My relationships with these people range from having to work to build trust, to a roller coaster of emotions leading to trust, to the unexplainable fact that there are just people you inherently trust, be it right or wrong. People that I trust in life though, have shown, as I have said, that I am not the best judge of character though so the inherent trust thing is nerve-wracking. I don't know how to work through this situation. I don't know how I am supposed to get to the core of my problems or whatever the heck is wrong with me, and fix what's broken. I do not know how to tell if someone has the tendency to burn me until it's too late. I don't know why I push people away, let alone how to stop.
I think I understand those 'wild children', the ones who nobody can handle and they end up completely wayward choosing all the wrong paths. They don't care. That's the simple truth. They do not care. There is no worrying about the future or what people think of them or anything. They are going to do whatever it is that they want to feel good. BECAUSE THEY DON'T CARE. And I'm slightly envious. How easy would it bee not to care? How easy would it be to not worry about the future or anything past the next day? Granted, this is one of the stupidest things a person could do and sometimes the choices that are made while in this state of mind are irreversible. But just for once, it would be so nice not to care. It would be so nice to not struggle and worry and fight and... care. It's like a splendidly dangerous vacation.
Someone once told me that I was described as one of those people that won't learn unless it's through experience. As offended as I was, they're not wrong. I never get things the first time. I never just listen to advice. I have to do it my way and nothing is going to stop that until I fall on my face and realize that my way is not going to work. The fact that I know this about myself still doesn't change this. Even though I understand this part of myself, I can't stop. Maybe this ties in with the trust thing. I don't know.
So where do I go from here? Heck I don't know so what good is that? I guess the only things to do now are push people out of my life and fall on my face. Good thing it's at least something I'm used to.
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