143

If you are sick of hearing me talk about the numerous epiphanies that I have in my life, this post is not for you, because I think I've had another one. Perhaps it's just a strong realization... Let's recap quickly so as to not lose anyone. I do not trust easily. I am scared about SO many things. I am very independent, sometimes detrimentally so. In summary, with most of these things it could be easy to say that I don't take off the mask on wear on a daily basis for anyone. Sometimes I let friends catch a glimpse of what lingers underneath my 'perfect' outer shell but I have never been able to show myself in entirety, if that makes sense. Even those that I hold most dear to my heart weren't completely aware of the complexity of the person who I hide from the rest of the world. Granted, these close friends knew more than anyone else, but it was never complete. I guess in a way I thought I was keeping myself safe, that if I didn't openly acknowledge what I was feeling that it wasn't really there. In convincing others that life is fine and just wonderful, I could kill two birds with one stone, and convince myself as well. To me, this was the smartest and safest thing to do in order to keep my head. Somewhat recently I began to notice that what I was doing to myself was, in fact, just making me lonely and, to be honest, somewhat bitter. I tried to open and let people in, but that was just an action on my part. There are people that I speak with and that I look to for comfort but it's never what I need. I apologize for admitting this but it has nothing to do with those that were there to try and help me. Because of me, the way I am, there was no feeling behind any of the confidences I placed in friends around me; it was purely action unfueled by emotion.

The point is that one person is starting to change this. It scares me to death that someone is affecting me this way but it's also strangely exciting. I believe that the words, feelings, and actions are all genuine, and, even though it's hard, I can return these things. I am still afraid of what could happen, but it's because of past experiences. No matter what, my guard is down 100% around this person and I hope they realize what that means coming from me. There is no turning back now. This all sounds really stupid, at least to me, but we're playing the honesty game. I'm not sure what else I can say and I'm not sure I've made any sense at all but I feel better knowing that I've put it out there.

Wouldn't It Be Great To Stand On The Edge And Not Worry About The Fall?

So much has happened but I'm not going to get into any of that. I must apologize, however, for my last post as, not only was it misleading, it was, in fact, a lie. This isn't about that, though.

There are key people in my life that care about me and I know they do. However, I don't always agree with the way they choose to show they care. One thing that is extremely upsetting to me is being told on a pretty regular basis how much I am screwing up my life. It's a blow to my self esteem to be told that I'm on the wrong path, that there's something wrong with me, that I don't know what I'm doing, and that I'm going to fall on my face. I know those that care about me worry so much that this will happen, that I will indeed fall on my face. Some of those people are doing everything they can to prevent it, which only seems to bug me more. No matter how many times it is said, no matter how many people tell me, no matter how many different ways it is shown to me, I just do not see what the worry is. I am not afraid. There really is no part in me that is worried that I am going to fall on my face. I'm not saying that there is no way I'm going to fall on my face, because I know that that is always a possibility. It's just that I'm not afraid of that possibility. It's odd if I think about it. I'm the one that used to be so scared of failure, of making the wrong choice, of hurting someone else, of everything. I still worry how my actions will affect others but I no longer have that fear. Who knows though. Haha maybe feeling this way is proof that I am messed up. Honestly, I do not think that at all but it's difficult when I'm constantly battered against with contradictory information.

It may never be seen but Mom, thank you for caring about me so much. I know that is where this is all coming from. I know you are scared for me and upset about my choices. I want you to know that I never meant for anything negative to come from my actions but I'm learning. This experience is showing me what I can do, what I am made of. I know asking you not to worry is futile but I wish you didn't. I wish you could see and feel what I do. I love you so much and I want you and everyone in the world to know that.

I'll step down from my soap box now. Nothing is ever going to be perfect and I know that. I don't expect perfection in anything because I don't believe perfect really exists. There is always room for improvement, especially in my own life. The fact that I see this is wonderful. I know there are changes that need to be made in my life and the way I conduct myself, but I'm not a light switch. I can't just say "OK!" and *snap* everything is the way it should be. Change takes work and effort, I know. But I'm taking things at my own pace. I'm doing things the way that works for me. Maybe this'll be like swimming lessons in the end, but if I don't try it my way, how will I learn anything? Life is hard, but I've got my helmet and I'm ready to take on anything that is thrown my way. It may be anything but easy, but I'm kind of enjoying it.

Deep Into That Darkness Peering, Long I Stood There, Wondering... Fearing... Doubting...

Raise of hands, who enjoys making choices that they do not want to? Exactly. But I can't really agree with this, now can I, because I am the one who made the choice. Aren't I? New raise of hands: Who has ever had an event (or several if you're lucky like me) which caused their heart to break? I'm not talking about something that was hard or heart-wrenching or painful. I mean a time when it felt like your heart has actually broken, physically. If you ever have I am so sorry because I know exactly how you feel. "I don't know why they call it heartbreak when it feels like all of me is broken." But we're back to the point that I can't be complaining about this because there is nowhere to place blame but on myself. I may have a broken heart but I'm the one that broke it. A rock and a hard place, the lesser of two evils - I had to make a choice, and choose I did.

Dear Agony:

Oh. My. Gosh. I don't even know what to think right now. I don't know if I even can think! Events in my life are scaring me to death and the realizations that come along with them are even more terrifying. OK, see if this can be followed...

I complain all the time. I know this and so do the people around me so that's not a big surprise. One of the things that I gripe about is the fact that there are so few people in my life that I can trust. I complain that anyone I have ever trusted or relied on in one point in time or another in my life have gone and done something stupid and screwed up. This is why I don't trust. This is why I do not open up easily. This is why I am bitter at times. I just cannot understand why I would be cursed with such a lot in life. Until now, I have never even entertained the idea that these things could be my fault.

You may know that at times I consider myself to be somewhat masochistic. I honestly believe that, subconsciously, this is true. Why? People in my life, for a vast majority of them anyway, suck, to be generally blunt. But the way things turn out, the relationships I have with these people, the fact that everything ends up completely screwed, is all my fault. I swear to goodness it is. I don't open and I don't trust so there are people that are around me that cannot help because they are ignorant of what is going on in my life. Then there are the people that I do put my trust in and these people fall into two different categories. The first of them is the 'bad people'. These are those with whom I have a bad relationship, those that in bonding with, I have made a poor decision. It's not that these 'friends' all of a sudden turn on me or do something stupid, because they were this way all along; I was just a poor judge of character and too stupid to see it beforehand. The second category encompasses the people in my life that really do care about me but that I push away. I find fault with these people as an excuse to push them out of my life. That's what it looks like from my point of view, anyway... And I have absolutely no idea why. Who in their right mind would not want to have anyone in their life? Why do I see the need to be alone? You know what I mean. I am so terrified it's ridiculous. How in the world am I supposed to function?

There are people in my life that care about me. The few that I know without a doubt are some of the most dear people to me. My relationships with these people range from having to work to build trust, to a roller coaster of emotions leading to trust, to the unexplainable fact that there are just people you inherently trust, be it right or wrong. People that I trust in life though, have shown, as I have said, that I am not the best judge of character though so the inherent trust thing is nerve-wracking. I don't know how to work through this situation. I don't know how I am supposed to get to the core of my problems or whatever the heck is wrong with me, and fix what's broken. I do not know how to tell if someone has the tendency to burn me until it's too late. I don't know why I push people away, let alone how to stop.

I think I understand those 'wild children', the ones who nobody can handle and they end up completely wayward choosing all the wrong paths. They don't care. That's the simple truth. They do not care. There is no worrying about the future or what people think of them or anything. They are going to do whatever it is that they want to feel good. BECAUSE THEY DON'T CARE. And I'm slightly envious. How easy would it bee not to care? How easy would it be to not worry about the future or anything past the next day? Granted, this is one of the stupidest things a person could do and sometimes the choices that are made while in this state of mind are irreversible. But just for once, it would be so nice not to care. It would be so nice to not struggle and worry and fight and... care. It's like a splendidly dangerous vacation.

Someone once told me that I was described as one of those people that won't learn unless it's through experience. As offended as I was, they're not wrong. I never get things the first time. I never just listen to advice. I have to do it my way and nothing is going to stop that until I fall on my face and realize that my way is not going to work. The fact that I know this about myself still doesn't change this. Even though I understand this part of myself, I can't stop. Maybe this ties in with the trust thing. I don't know.

So where do I go from here? Heck I don't know so what good is that? I guess the only things to do now are push people out of my life and fall on my face. Good thing it's at least something I'm used to.

Words Like Violence Break the Silence, Come Crashing In, Into My Little World.

What in the world am I going to do? All my life I have been so proud of the relationship I have with my family. I have felt so lucky to have such a strong connection with them that seems rare among my peers. The situation I am currently in may most likely jeopardize what I have with them, though. I promise I'm not a complete idiot and that everything on my end, as well as on that of my family I believe, is totally justified.

There are people in my life, friends that I have, that on several occasions have voiced their concern that the relationship I have with my family is... odd, I guess; that I need to 'grow up' and make decisions for myself. Admittedly I detest making decisions, mostly because if the consequences end up negative, I can take no part in the blame. I guess you could say that I have a problem with responsibility, but not in every sense... if that even makes sense. :P

"Sometimes God calms the storm and sometimes the sailor. But other times, He just lets him swim." In church I have learned that there are times we pray for an answer and are given neither conformation or disapproval. I understand now that it's these times where, for some reason, be it faith the Lord has in us or a needed learning experience, that we much choose the path to follow on our own. And I think that I am actually facing one of those decisions in my life now. I am just so worried that I am going to mess something up terribly! I guess all one can do is try, right? I'm gonna need a whole lotta luck since I'm not privy to the guidance I so desire... so start wishing!

Welcome to the Game.

Everyone knows that gossip is bad. There is nothing good that comes from talking about another behind their back. Now I have had to deal with people who think negatively of me in my life but I guess it can be said that they have been courteous enough to speak to my face instead of behind my back. Let's be clear though, I do not enjoy either one but if someone is going to slander my name, I much prefer it done to my face by someone with a spine than a coward sneaking behind my back. You hear stories of vicious girls talking about each other and all the typical high school drama involving girls crying in the bathroom and the stereotypical stuff of the movies. I always thought it was cliche and over dramatic. What I didn't realize was that it is real. There are actually people in the world that do those kinds of things and the reactions portrayed by the victims of the hurtful words are not exaggerating in the least. It hurts. It is more likely than not that nobody of consequence will ever read this, which is in part why I am writing it. And by nobody of consequence, I mean anyone that I am speaking of.

I do not know what I can do or say because I am not sure how I am feeling. I am hurt and there are many people involved in my feeling this way. I am confused as to why people I know feel the need to speak negatively of me. In my life I try to build others up and conduct myself in a way that, if someone were to say something bad about me, nobody would believe it. Have I failed then? I am angry at the way things are working out and that some people in my life have so little faith in me. Part of my anger is unjustified and I know it. It's just easier to be angry than to give in to the tears, even though I have done plenty of that over the past few days. I hate, well, I'll say the situation even though I'd like to say the people involved. If you didn't know, one of my least favorite things ever is crying. And this past weekend brought the joy of hours and hours of sobbing. I think something that makes whatever you want to call this situation so hard is the fact that I am torn. I believe in myself but does the fact that I do make me delusional? If I am delusional, how come so many people agree with me? "Does the pain weigh out the pride?" Unfortunately, I think I am committed to my decision, whatever that may be. I just hope I don't end up pushing myself off the edge.

Just So You Know, You Taught Me What Love Is.

"I'm not a fighter, but I'll fight for what I love." This statement, I've realized, fits my life so perfectly it's not even funny. I am so sick and tired of fighting. There is so much coming at me left and right that it's impossible that I'm in the correct lane. Do you realize how easy it would be to just lay down and not care about anything anymore? It would be such a relief to not have that burden... But even if dropping everything was an option, I could never bring myself to do it. The thing that's stopping me is not fear, but love. I will not fall because I am fighting for things I love; my mom, my family, my future, myself. I fight tooth and nail against all of it (the negative and hardships, of course) because it is the only thing I can do. I cannot make my mom better. I cannot fix my family. I cannot be where I want in the future if I don't fight. I cannot give in and bring myself to a state of fallen grace. It's a very curious thing to think about. Really.

Look around you or at me. How many people would guess or even believe half the things that are going on in my life? I'm not asking anyone to because I'm hiding it all. But I am sure that I'm not the only one doing this. If everyone was more perceptive I think we all, myself included, would be surprised to find out things about our peers. I wonder if it's human nature to fight. Is it something that we are born with and that we tend to over the hardship of the years? I guess this can only be applied to what Christ said, "I never said it would be easy, I only said it'd be worth it." Gosh, I really hope that it's worth it in the end. I hope that I am doing enough now to make my life after this more pleasant than mine is now. I am holding on to that small hope and the words of my Savior but I can't help but remember... "Nobody ever said it would be easy, but nobody ever said it would be this hard, either."

I'm barely starting to mend my heart in all aspects. This just can't happen now.

Screaming May Be Bad For The Voice But Sometimes It's Good For The Heart.

I am kinda pissed right now. Well, I am actually very much so but overall it's just a little bit. Remember how I don't care what people think about me? That's not so accurate anymore but I can never explain it how I mean to. I do not care in the least if you think I am weird or different or too loud our whatever because I am, and I know that. The thing that bothers me is when you incorrectly judge who I am. And if you don't understand that then I can't really help you there. It's little things like someone asking if you have clothes they can wear for their 'devil twin' costume or making it well known that they think the way you do your makeup is scary. It's also things like being expected to be someone I am inherently not and being judged for not following that stereotype. In addition, ignorance is no excuse. (We're living in my world right now so just go with it.) How is it normal that this is the way things are around me? I really do like who I am but I can't help but feel slightly out of place here. Does this say something about who I am? Apparently it's not normal to be the way I am (or at least to so openly flaunt it) in the community I am in but I like that I am not like everyone else. Am I making any sense? OK - Is it bad that I enjoy who I am and how much I differ from everyone around me because... gosh I wish I could explain it better!

I am not cutsie. I do not like pearls or bows or braids or pink. My goal in life is not to just to be a mommy. I want my role in life to be one that makes an impact in the world. I do not want to be a submissive, there to quietly wait in the background while you bring home the bacon. I'm not going to smile all the time and be laughing and acting like an airhead. I think that the guys that nt this kind of girl are just ridiculous. Who wants someone whose only strengths are to cook, clean, make babies, and look pretty? COME ON!! I just... I don't like being told that this is what I should strive to be, that I should be working towards this goal now so I can be good enough for some good guy to want to come marry me. I refuse to even pretend to be something or someone that I vehemently disagree with. I don't know... I don't know. The moral of the story is to keep your ignorant mouths closed and get used to who I am. Your words are not going to do anything to alter who I am so all they're doing is kind of hurting me... And if that's what your intent really is, you can go ahead and leave my life right now. Because I don't need people like that around me now or ever.

Patience is Currently my Favorite Virtue

I have decided to take up the position of Captain Obvious to begin with and point out that I thoroughly dislike being told what to do. Shocker, right? In some situations I don't even like hearing opinions that contradict my viewpoint. The last few weeks, however, have shown me that I don't always know what's best for myself. Sometimes we need an outsider's unbiased opinion, even if it's not something we want to hear. The point is... well, there are a couple points.

The very first thing I want to say is I am sorry. I realize that I have made some mistakes in my life that have affected more than just myself. There are people in my life that care about me a lot and my sufferings cause them pain as well. I am sorry. It hurts having to watch a car wreck that you know how to stop but are powerless to do so. This is what I did to so many people in my life. I am sorry. I'm sorry for the unkind, hurtful, and disrespectful words I spoke and to all those on the receiving end. There are a few I would like to publicly apologize to, even though it would never be enough; I am sorry Mommy. I am sorry Tyne (and Jorge too). I'm sorry Chelsea. I'm sorry Nate. Please forgive me.

Another thing I've realized is the difference between a good person and a bad person. No, that's not right. I've realized the difference between a good influence in my life and a bad influence in my life. I know the difference (now) between someone who is good for me and who is not. I can recognize the feeling of who is a healthy influence, a good friend, and a presence that only affects me in a negative way. This is the blessing, I think, that is coming from all the pain and hurt I had to go through; clarity in my life.

The biggest point I am trying to make, or at least the one with the most weight, is both a realization and a decision. I know I don't have to worry about trusting others. By keeping myself closed off from others, not only am I turning my life in a direction I don't want to be heading, I am missing out on meeting and having so many beautiful people in my life. (OK, maybe Provo is getting to me a little bit.) I'm not afraid to trust. I am no afraid of letting people into my life. I am not afraid of letting others love me.

For the first time in a long time I feel like my life is moving in an upward direction. While I may not have a clear picture of everything, I have a glimpse of the payoff coming from my trials... and I could not be more excited to embrace what's coming in my life.

So... How's the Water...?

Let's see, what can I say? I think I am afraid again. But this time it's different. I am not sure how to describe it though. Maybe it's just extreme nervousness. Have you ever wanted to jump into a pool but you were not sure what the water was? This is sorta like that. There is part of me that wants to dive in, head first, however reckless it may be. The other part of me though, is more reserved, and knows that this isn't something I can get into without keeping my wits about me. If you jump into the pool expecting it to be heated, the cold water gives you a painful shock. If you're expecting freezing cold water, on top of being crazy to want to jump in, you will be shocked by how seemingly warm the water is. I guess the smart thing to do is dip just a toe in first to gauge the temperature of the pool. Slowly after that, you begin to ease yourself in, bit by bit. Either way, you're going to get wet, so you better want what's coming. The question is do I follow my instincts and open up, like I seldom do, or do I keep myself the way I am? Does that even make sense? I'm assuming this is one of those things in life that requires patience seeing how much it is bothering me. I know that as long as I do what I need to do, I will end up exactly where I am supposed to be, and I will be happy. Now if only I could calm myself down!

P.S. - I'm wearing the smile you gave me.

Convincing Myself

Let's start at the beginning, there's much that you should know.
Just friends is how we started off, but something stronger began to grow.
I fell for you, head over heels. I thought you fell and caught me too.
Young dreams of love were shattered though, when I walked away from you.

Stronger than my love for you, I felt the need to fly away.
Troubled by my tangled thoughts, I wanted nothing more than to stay.
Despite it all, all logic has lost, and my heart still aches for you.
It's buried deep, but I know it's there; the love I can't let go is true.

What hurts the most is the way we've been left; two different ways we've dealt.
For some reason I can't point out, I find myself still feeling everything I felt.
But you don't care about me anymore, you moved on fast and easily.
The care I had, the love I felt, is held inside aimlessly.

You begged when I was honest, let you down, and walked away.
You cried when I would not listen but didn't bother to ask me to stay.
I tried to ease your suffering, thinking that I might have cause you pain.
But I was wrong, you get on just fine without me, so you're the one to blame.

I tried to help you through tough times, there through thick and thin.
I even took down all my carefully built walls and, in entirety, let you in.
You now hold my every secret, you know my every hurt, every worry, every care,
And while you hold the key to my life, you'll never again be there.

I try not to wonder who she is anymore, the one who filled the void I left.
Then I wonder if anything ever was felt, if falling in love was a theft?
Did I give you my heart or was it stolen from me, from a master of disguise?
You tripped me and I fell in love too deep, but no, not you, and that's no surprise.

Do I tell myself I hate you for everything you did and didn't do?
Should I hate you for letting go and moving on, your days of sorrow so few?
Is it myself that I hate, my traitor of a heart, still holding on so tight?
Does it matter who I end up blaming, if the choice I made was right?

I shouldn't miss you and I shouldn't care if the one you're with now cares as I did.
I won't look back and I won't give in, and I'll shed no more tears, heaven forbid.
She's got nothing on me, you know I was the best, and you'll never find anyone better.
I may have left you and I may be at fault, but now your face is all the redder.

You really had a hold on me, one that I now fight every single day.
I've got to listen to myself, work for myself, and it's myself I've got to obey.
You're the loser, the scum, the heartbreaker here, don't try and tell me you're not.
So I let you go and I hope you're happy. Thanks, for warning me to never get caught.

I know better now, thank you, you've opened my eyes to what I need and what I deserve.
After our short lived bliss, our blink of an eye, there's something vital I've observed.
I'll never settle for good, I'm much better than that, when something better is waiting for me.
You were only good, dear, not a great in my book, so now you're just a poor memory.

I'm Broken When I'm Open and I Don't Feel Like I am Strong Enough...

Can someone, anyone, tell me what is going on in my life? Is there any person out there that can give me the slightest idea as to why my life is in total and complete shambles? You'd think that once you hit rock bottom things would just suck from there. No. My life is not that easy. I've hit rock bottom and, apparently, I see the need to try and dig deeper. (I don't actually think I'm doing that but it was an intriguing analogy.)

"Break the rules. Stand apart. Ignore your head. Follow your heart." I'd love to think that I follow this in my own life but it's getting more and more difficult. I do not know if following my heart works like it used to. Can you follow a broken heart? Can a heart that has been wrenched, scarred, tattered, abused, and torn even give good advice anymore? Or is listening to a heart that has been through so much pain comparable to a form of mental illness? What about listening to what other people say? It's true that nobody can know what you are feeling or all about your life so advice they give you is just that - advice. Do they know better than the person that is feeling? Do people looking in from the outside truly know better than the person with the broken heart? Also, is it at all possible for there to be different paths in life? Can one person believe their path should be choice A when the rest of the world says that path B is the one they should take? Can both parties be right? Is it possible, that even though theirs is the 'unpopular' choice, the person choosing path A knows themselves well enough to prove the rest of the world wrong? And as always happens when I get passionate, I am not making any sense.

On to my next qualm with the world. Emotions. As of late I simply cannot control mine. One side effect of this is one that makes me quite miserable. "I don't know why they call it a broken heart when it feels like all of me is broken." I have made very stupid decisions in life, some of which have really hurt me. I am not the only one that I have ever hurt and I am deeply remorseful for this fact. There is one choice in particular that has been bothering me for quite some time. Actually, if we're going to be honest, I don't think I was ever comfortable with this decision. And now, on top of all the joys going on in my life, I cannot help but revisit this decision... over and over and over and over and over. I wish it was easy to figure out. I wish there was one correct decision and that it was blatantly obvious. Here comes the honesty again... I also want it to be the decision I want it to be. Don't misunderstand and think that the answer is there but I am ignoring it because it isn't the one that I want. It is nothing like that at all. I know what I feel but I don't know what to do with it...

As always when I'm stressed, I write. When I'm really, really stressed, I write a lot. So here you go...

(P.S. - This is a collection... they're not all from one... setting, I guess.)

Still Feeling
I can tell it to my family, I can tell it to my friends.
I can tell it to myself, but it never really ends.
No matter how I say it, inside it stays the same.
I even made you believe it, but I'm the only one to blame.

Why can I not let go? Why are you still in my heart?
Why is it so hard to keep it together, when I'm really falling apart?
This isn't right and this isn't the way it's supposed to be,
But for some reason I just can't get over you and me.

You were always there for me and could always make me smile,
I knew I loved you and you loved me, even though it took a while.
But something wasn't right and I couldn't ignore that fact.
Now I can't help but wonder if I should not have turned my back.

I wonder where you are and what you're doing without me there.
I wonder if you ever even think of me and how much I really cared.
I know that I still think of you and can't help but love you still.
I wonder if this gaping hole will ever be fully filled.

I shake inside, fighting against the tide of feelings I try so hard to hide.
What would everyone think, even you, if everyone knew that I lied?
How could I ever tell that you're always on my mind, in my heart, on my soul?
I try so hard to keep this locked inside, but I'm slowly losing control.

Are you still alone or do I sometimes cross your mind?
We may have been almost dysfunctional but I worry that I'll never find,
Another one like you, one that makes me feel the way you did.
It pains me to think I'm the only one in this state, everything I've hid.

I pray for you always, no longer the two of us.
I hope this all will go away, soothed by time's forgetful dust.
But if we're going to be honest, I guess I have to say,
That really, truly, I don't think I want these feelings to go away.

My Apology, My Gift
I hate that you're still on my mind and I can't get rid of you.
I hate everything you did to me, my emotions black and blue.
I hate that I had to leave you; I broke both our hearts that day.
I hate that I still question all the words I had to say.

I cry myself to sleep sometimes because my heart just aches.
I cry and try to hide the pain, so much of it I shake.
I cry for all the pain, the hurt, and tears I made you cry.
I cry because there's nothing I can do; I cannot even try.

I wonder if you think of me with good feelings or with bad.
I wonder if, when you think of me, it still makes you sad.
I wonder if you've really let me go, if you've really moved on.
I wonder why I'm the only one that is pained that you're still gone.

I love you still, despite it all, and I think I always will.
I love the jouy we had together and i miss our loving thrill.
I love the memories, I hold them dear, be they bad or be they good.
I love you, I know it, it's always there, but I don't know if I should.

I pray for daily strength to help me through this stony course.
I pray that I may overcome my violent remorse.
I pray for you, almost every day, that you may be safe too.
I pray for you, even though we're over, and you don't have a clue.

I wish that this was easy, I wish this wasn't hard.
I wish that I had fought back, had gone the extra yard.
I wish that I could tell you what I think and how I feel.
I wish that what we had together, could once again be real.

Broken Hearts
I broke your heart, which broke your own,
And now I'm here and I'm all alone.
I never meant to hurt you, never meant to make you cry.
But crying is all I do now, and you're the reason why.

"A vicious manner, a bitter taste," those words still haunt my thoughts.
All the good things that we had, because of me, was lost.
I am so sorry I left you so betrayed, with a gaping wound to heal.
Please believe me when I tell you what I felt was so very real.

I wish that I had chosen to walk a different path,
One that would not have manifested all your pain as wrath.
I know I can't take all the blame, but I can't help but feel,
That, if we can, only time, might help us both to heal.

Part of me wants to reach out again, even if it's only friends.
I just can't bear the fact that everything good has to end.
I wish I could hold you once again, keep you safe inside my arms.
If only I could shelter both of us from all the world's harms.

I know I keep you in my mind, be the memories good or bad.
It always brings tears to my eyes, to think of you so sad.
I turned a deaf ear to your fervent pleas to listen one more time,
And words can't express the pain I feel, the regret that is my bind.

I don't know if you'd listen, I'm not even sure where you are,
But here are my words, my apology, that I'll send off from afar.
I am sorrier than you will ever know, no words can make it right,
And even though it's me who left, my eyes hunger for your sight.

I can't ask for your kindness, can't ask you to be around.
It's only fair, it's your choice to turn, and leave me alone and broken on the ground.
One day we might get over this, one day we might be friends.
I pray for the courage I'll need that day, to make the right amends.

So here it is, I give my all, my heart displayed for you to see.
There's nothing more I can do or say and I'm standing here, just me.
You still mean so much to me, out of everyone in the world.
I'm here if you can change your mind and forgive a stupid girl...

Maybe We Can Save Ourselves and Maybe We Won't. But it Doesn't Even Matter if We've Got a Plan as Long as We're Holding on to Somebody's Hand.

So life is insane. Literally. I am doing a little bit better, or at least there aren't as many bad days as there have been. I am beginning to wonder if a good amount of the drama in my life is my own fault. I think that I bring a lot of needless drama into my life and I wonder why... I think that I don't think some of the situations I put myself in will end up causing drama. It surely is something to think about.

I am back to the point of wishing that everyone would be straightforward with everyone else so there would be no lies or misread feelings. I am trying to live this way in my own life and am taking the first step, well, almost as we speak. Honesty is brutal and can hurt one or both of the parties involved but everyone deserves to be respected enough to have the truth told to their face. It's easier to hide, like I've previously said, but sometimes we need to buck up and do the things we don't want to in order to right by another person. And you have no clue what I am rambling about... Nice.

What else is new in life. Well, I hate work and it's killing my social life. I get to see Clarky tonight but that's just because he's seriously worried about me and everything. I could care less if he was coming down here to propose to me; I'm just glad that I get to see someone. That's about it, really. Kicking and scraming against life but that's nothing you didn't already know...

Take Away the Sensation Inside, Bittersweet Migraine in my Head. It's Like a Throbbing Toothache of the Mind, I Can't Take This Feeling Anymore...

It's Brian all over again! Holy crap and there's nothing I can do about it! Why does life see fit to throw all this at me right now?? Seriously, I am not sure how much I can handle. I am fine at dealing with pain and hardships and the like as long as it is not in direct relation to me. I have spent so much time in my life hiding and putting up walls and fortifying myself against any outside form of harm and now I have to change all that. On top of it all, I have to open up and change at a time when all this crap is happening! How did I not notice that she did everything he did, almost exactly? I can't honestly be that stupid... And then my reactions are completely irrational. I swear I am over him but it's that Daddy/Brian thing again. It only feels this way because I have nothing to compare it to. Is there any way to control my subconscious? It took me years to realize and get over my confusion between Brian and wanting a Daddy. But this time I am aware but can't get over it. I have no idea what to do about that. I can't explain it right to anyone and the only person who really understands is mama. Then, I feel like I can't talk to her because she is always so worried about me. Every time I talk to her she apologizes for not being here for me or tells me she wishes she was here with/for me or, the worst, apologizing for what happened with Brian. I can't stand to add more to her plate when she already has so much going on. But, seriously, there is nobody else that is like that. I have great and amazing and supportive friends that I can talk to and tell anything but it just isn't the same, and I can't help that. I am just confused why I have to learn all this at once. Must I really be completely broken in order to be whole again?

On another note, I am worried that my heart has taken too much pain and damage to ever really be whole again. I don't think that I will ever be able to get back to the state I was in before we all got sick; before the world started to come down. It's almost like I am emotionally disfigured. I know it doesn't make sense but it's another one of those things I am working on. I keep telling myself that I am not damaged goods or anything of the like but it's hard to think that way. And how am I supposed to be open and inviting to those around me if I am emotionally wrecked? I can't keep faking and fronting but I'm barely going to be able to function. I'm in between a rock and a hard place so I'm not sure how I am supposed to turn that corner in my life.

And now I'm going to end my rantings before I say things I know I'll regret admitting.

Sometimes You Have to Step Outside the Person You've Been and Remember the Person You Were Meant to Be. The Person You Want to Be. The Person You Are.

Life is rough at the moment... but in the way sandpaper is. It is coarse and can be very painful but it's just preparation for something more beautiful. I have complained and fought and suffered under the burden of life for too long. Today is the day I begin to take the first, treacherous step that leads me to a turning point in my life; to realize life is a gift and a celebration that should be enjoyed. I am sure of this. I know that if I can only hold on for a while longer, things will get better. I am not going to reach another plateau in life, but I will actually make some progress upwards! The upward journey, however, will feel more like a downhill journey because now I see with painful clarity what I have to do.

I remember a few years back when a pipe burst in the basement of our house. This pipe, located on the back of the washing machine, proceeded to flood the entire basement with about an inch of water. Difficult as this was to clean and rectify, the worse part was the wall against which the washer was situated. We may have cleaned all the water off the floors and cleaned anything else that was drenched in water, but the wall was another case. At first, it looked alright, just a little water stained. It wasn't long, though, until we realized that this little wall was where the majority of the damage was hidden. The water had started to rot the wall from the inside out. Because we were not aware of it right away, we had to bring the whole wall down to rubble and start from scratch. This process was more painful and time consuming than it should have been because we were unaware of the real problem.

This is what is wrong with me. I am the wall. The things that I have done to myself have had the same effect as the water. I have turned into something that needs to be stripped down to the beams and wires in order to be rebuilt. I am so immensely scare of doing this because I have spent so much time and effort making myself into what I am now. In order to be who I am supposed to be, and to serve the function I am made to do, just like the wall, I need to strip away everything; this includes my true self. I am going to have to expose myself completely... and I'm just hoping I can do it.

There are a few things I know will not change when I rebuild myself. I know what I like and what I do not like and, for the most part, know who I am. I am rough, bold and loud. I am not gentle, light, or theatrical. I don't do beautiful or cutsie well - I am inherently hott and sexy. (OK - Lemmie build my self esteem a bit here...) I am intelligent and confident. I am not someone who is merely stumbling through life; I may not know where I am at the moment, but I have a clear picture of where I am going. Things are going to get better and all I have to do is fight and hold on. Good thing those are two of the things I do the best in life, right?

Don't Turn Away, Don't Try to Hide. Don't Close Your Eyes, Don't Turn Out the Lights.

Apart from our head, our bodies tend to have memories. "Fingertips have memories; I can't forget the curves of your body." Well, it's not actually the same thing but it is similar. For a not depressing example, I recall sitting down to a poli sci lecture one afternoon and was promptly driven nuts by the two guys between whom I sat. One of them was wearing cologne, which on it's own would have had a major affect on me. On top of that though, it reminded me of a guy I was once with. The other one had gum or a mint or something that reminded me of one of the last guys I kissed. So, my body reacted to my surroundings before my mind could actually process the situation. Now this type of reaction is not bad, just inconvenient. What about other types of reactions though?

What if you know something happened in your life, you just have no proof of it? How do you obtain comfort or closure when the only memories you have are feelings? How do you get out of a situation you have avoided for so long now when your body no longer suppresses the entirety of the event in question? It's not feasible to succumb to such violent feelings but fighting them just makes the pain worse. Fear is not an option if one wishes to survive and function. Fear is for the weak and those that cannot handle such shaking occasions. Someone who has been strong for so long and for so many cannot fall victim to terror. It's easier to be angry and mad and to fight everyone and everything around you. Don't let anyone in because the more people who know where your heart is, the more likely it is to be damaged. Trust is not all it's cracked up to be either, especially when it's always been broken. Isn't it lovely the flow of undo terror that comes when the mind cannot control itself? Isn't it just peachy to feel like you have no control, to not know where you are or where to go from wherever it is you are?

"Pain doesn't hurt when it's all you've ever felt." I beg to differ. Pain is pain and hurts like a mother no matter who you are or how long you've been in pain. It's the amount of pain you can take and handle in life. If you've been exposed to pain all of your life than you are able to deal better than someone who has grown up extremely sheltered. Some are born with naturally high pain thresholds while others grow into them. I am one who has grown into it. And no matter how high I keep putting my bar, the pain somehow makes it's way to a new level that I have not secured myself against. I'm just such a FING lucky girl.

Guys are so Stupid... But they Actually Really Aren't...

All men are idiots. This is not true but it is in fact easier to rationalize that way rather than trying to figure them out. I read somewhere once that men actually tell themselves that women are crazy in order to justify the woman's behavior. I wonder if this is the same concept; women call men idiots in order to explain the way they act. I think it makes sense.

"Actions speak louder than words," is something I grew up learning. In addition to that I also learned how to read actions and reactions. So, in case you are wondering, I am not an idiot. If you know how and you pay attention at all, most people are not that hard to read (except me).

I am not a mind reader, as much as I wish I could be. I do not magically know what you are thinking or how you feel, even though sometimes I think I do actually know. I cannot tell you how you feel or what you think nor can I tell you what you are thinking or what your next move should be. It's not like you need an outsider's opinion. Psh. I would love to tell you what to do because I think I know better than you do. It's your life so of course there is no possible way you can screw up or miss out, right?

I saw the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" and I enjoyed it. I recently discovered that I own the book this movie is based off of. I have not read it in forever and, in light of recent events, decided to delve into it again. It's kinda depressing, actually. At least for me. It make me question several observations and conclusions I have come to and... it kinda stings.

So what is the point of all these random topics? If you've been paying attention, they actually do relate to each other. Guys are stupid, especially if it is one you know; one that does drive-me-crazy, random, stupid, adorable, very confusing things. It just so happens I know one of these guys, and it also happens I like him... more that I should. So I look at the situation from every angle possible and find out that there is no move that I can make, like, at all. I've been checkmate'd by this guy that doesn't even know it. If I dwell too much on these thoughts it's just too depressing. Instead I shall act like I am 12 again:

Boys are stupid and dumb. They are idiots and they have cooties. Boys are gross and nobody needs them. Why don't boys just go jump off a cliff. Geez!

Now we'll be honest:

Boys can be smart and rational. They can be sweet and jumping off a cliff would really not help anyone. Boys will be boys and they actually are nice to have around. Except when they drive you nuts.

Completely Unrequited

So here goes another one of my rants. And this one is VERY long... Brace yourself...

OK, I don't know if I am back to square one or if I am just flipping out that I am back near the fire (but I will hopefully not be back in it this time around), or if my hormones are against me as they always are right around this time. This may sound super weird but I am different, so what more can be expected?

This kinda started after church on Sunday. I was feeling like crap and so was mama but both of us were freaking out about my leaving to go back to school. She asked if I would come giver her a hug and I did. This hug was more of me just lying with her as she hugged me. Mom held me close and rubbed my back and we just stayed there for a little bit enjoying each others company. The weird thing is the epiphany (maybe I should stop calling them epiphanies because I don't think it's normal to have this many) I had in the middle of being with my mom. I still have not entirely wrapped my head around it but I realized what I miss the most (in general). I miss someone being there for me in that way. That way is, just, someone that cares for me, my well being, who wants me to be happy and comfortable. Specifically it reminded me of Paul. More specifically it reminded me of one night I was hanging out with him and mom was in the hospital. He was genuinely sweet to me when I was in such an emotional state... I don't think I can explain it right now. Or at all. Gosh. I hate not being able to explain emotions that are in my head. They make a little bit of sense when I am experiencing them, so to speak, but when I attempt to put them into words, I end up sounding completely incoherent.

OK. Restart and try again... I miss that sweet care that seldom few have ever expressed to me. That is why I think I miss Paul so much. Well, you know what I mean. I realized that it was not him I missed, rather the person I made him up to be and I missed having the 'boyfriend' thee. It's deeper than that though. Mom comforting me; the times Paul was genuine, caring, and pretty insightful; when Nate rescued me the night I had my break; Ika being there for me completely and unquestioningly when I ended my relationship. The majority of what I crave is this form of comfort and affection from a member of the opposite sex. This is so weird and somewhat appalling to me. I cannot possibly be one of those girls that so desperately craves affection and attention from guys! This is me, who breaks hearts just by walking by through no effort of my own; the me that DOES NOT need a guy in her life to be happy. I made a decision several weeks ago that I was going to be like my mom; living life to the fullest and working at just having fun, not worrying about guys and dating, just completely focused on myself. Then I get these stupid feelings. And mom and Tyne were teasing me a little bit about getting so mushy latley, liking sweet love quotes and such. Mom told me I am turning into the type of girl I should be... or something to that effect. WHY?! I am not like this... this is not me! I will admit I have an idea about this fact in my life. There is a possibility that I feel these odd things due to the fact that every guy in my life (mostly) that has meant even a small bit to me, has left, lied, disappointed me, let me down, broke my heart, or some combination of the above in rapid succession. So is it possible that the few times I do let my guard down to a member of the opposite sex, I just want the type of comfort and companionship that I never seem to be able to achieve or hold on to if it does happen to be through some fault of my own. Not surprisingly, I do not open up honestly to many people, let alone any guy. Opening my emotions up to a guy is more of a recent development. And now that I have opened up once, that door is always open now. It makes me feel vulnerable and any person that makes their way through this unlocked door now holds the key to break and shatter me through a few simple words or actions. This is why I am strong; why I come off as impassable and bitter. I do not like being hurt. I do not like feeling weak or anything in relation to the two. Yet, in order to be privy to the affection I so dearly crave, I have to be open enough to love in return. I do this, and sometimes too quickly, but even in doing this I make myself more breakable. Gosh. All I want to do is be loved but it seldom comes around and when it does, through an action of my own or not, it just ends up biting me in the butt.

Personally, there are people in my life, of both genders, that I hold dear to me and that have found a special place in my heart. Theses are the types of people that I think of on a daily basis. I then tend to wonder if there is any other person in the world that feels this same way about me? I am sure my mom and my sisters do and maybe even my nana, but it's not the same. Is there any one person whose mind I cross almost daily? Is there any person in my life, be I aware of it or not, that cannot imagine what would happen to their own lives if I was somehow not a part of it? This may all sound quite vain but, if you think about it, is an interesting concept. I think that we as a culture have grown to be so self-focused (OK, stay on point here) that we will not let down our guard or open ourselves up enough to acknowledge our own feelings. I am not exempt from this but I am one key example. How many times have we been staring at a guy we like only to be caught in the act? And instead of confronting those feelings and just letting the guy (or girl, not in my case, however) know it, we look away or feel embarrassed. Is there a time in your life that you have been so angry at someone or something, been treated unfairly or witnessed some for of injustice, and have refrained from speaking your mind for fear of causing a scene, being put down, or of what others will think? It is not an easy thing to do but I think everyone would be a lot closer if the true feelings we all have; love, friendship, anger, sadness, joy, loneliness; were openly shared, and not buried and hidden like something to be ashamed of. Then, on the other hand, I could just be fishing for that (at least) one person to provide the care I so uncharacteristically feel I need.

Learning to Differentiate

I have to apologize. I complain about life lessons way too much. Only as of late have I come to actually appreciate the value they carry. It is difficult when several come and attack me at once but once the pain of the lesson is over, the joy of the rewards I am able to reap are that much better. That being said, I have another life lesson!

When I was young my parents separated and then divorced. Being the oldest child, I had a harder time with it that did my sisters. I could remember when things were not tense, stressed, or angry. For years and years after the fact I struggled with feelings I could not understand. I thought in some weird and twisted way that I missed my father, that I wanted him back in my life or that I wanted some form of contact with him. On the other hand, I wanted nothing to do with him and hated him with such a passion that it was actually detrimental to myself. I wanted a father, a daddy, but not Brian (my 'given' father). When I put two and two together I realized that this was the Daddy/Brian Theory. At least, that's what I called it. Only recently have I realized that the name is no longer applicable, seeing as the situation can be applied to other aspects of my life.

As you may know, somewhat recently I was struggling back and forth with myself about the feelings I had for a friend of mine. Do I still feel the way I did? Am I angry or am I hurt? Am I in pain or regretting decisions I made? After taking, well, too much time to be honest, thinking about it, I realized it was the same type of thing. I missed and longed for and regretted losing something that I thought I had, not the actual thing. I don't know if I'm explaining it correctly because it sounds quite nasty as I read it. It's just, the things I thought I needed and such was not, in reality, the person I had. After I could clearly see and realize that fact things fell into place. While I may still be torn at random intervals, it is not as painful because I understand my reactions, as off-key as I may find them.

In a somewhat similar note, I discovered that while it is easier to lay down and give up the fight, only taking the bad into account, 'looking at your leg' as my mom calls it (long story), true happiness comes when you make the effort. "Dying is easy, living is hard." That's the same concept except not so morbid. While one may be easier, in this case giving in to the depression or what not in life, the alternative is so much more worth while. And after having that little tad of information click into place, I can honestly say, for the first time in a very, very long time, I can say that I am happy; deep, true, honest, and genuine. I am happy.

Finally, life is at least starting to fall into place.

You're an Idiot.

OK - I have to rant. I apologize beforehand...

Let me tell you about the little children I have been babysitting this summer, also know as the Devil's spawn. I am telling you, out of the many, many children I have ever babysat, these children are by far the worst. Having three younger sisters, I know how to handle and deal with children, even in the most complicated situations. So, it's not a complaint against me but my sister, who I will admit is a far better babysitter seeing as she absolutely adores children. I get a call tonight from the father of these children asking to speak with Tyne, who had watched the kids earlier this evening. He was accusing her of spanking them going on the fact that the two children had a rash around their torso. First of all, spanking does not cause a rash; it can cause marks and welts if hit hard enough but not a rash. Second of all, you may trust your kids and think that they are wonderful, but how many people can honestly trust the word of a TWO YEAR OLD? Especially when this child is the one smacking her little sister? So Tyne gets all this crap from the Dad and then tries to call the Mom to clear it all up. yeah, she gets even more grief from the mother. I mean, how offensive is that? Tyne is, like, the best babysitter you will ever have, ask anyone she has ever babysat for. In the end, Tyne vows she will never watch the children again and walks out. About five minutes later, our two littlest sisters rush in and ask what happened. Tyne is sobbing. I knew it killed her. But I can't help but feel guilty... which is now heightened by my mother.

I was supposed to go over and watch the children tonight but was way exhausted from my earlier job that Tyne volunteered to do it for me. I don't know if this would have happened if I had gone... or at least i would have gotten the blame and not Tyne. I made the mistake of saying so to my mom and she agreed with me. That makes me kind of upset. How can I be blamed for those kids being awful and having such crappy parents? (Just so you know, I can't.)

So now the majority of the household is livid, or in or close to tears. Thank you Satan mother, Satan father, and your wicked offspring. I really hope I don't have to see you again... and it's almost for your sake I hope that.

Don't Tell Me if I'm Dying, Because I Don't Want to Know. If I Can't See the Sun, Then Maybe I Should Go.

I have decided that there is a slight and completely disturbing chance that I am a total masochist. And how exactly did I come to this seemingly absurd realization? Because there is no possible way that my life should turn out the way it is. I mean, come on. Seriously? The only explanation I can give at the moment is that I have put myself in the situation I am in. Subconsciously I must enjoy pain and misery if I somehow keep putting myself in situations that continually screw me over. Now understand, I don't believe that I really do this, I am just looking for a way to rationalize; playing the blame game, as my mom might call it. There is not really anything that I can think of that I can do to help alleviate my situation in the slightest. There are, of course, solutions that act as a band-aid, just masking the wound, but offering no actual help in the healing process, the infection festering deeper into my soul. (Yeah, yeah, yeah - morbid and pessimistic, I've heard.)

This, in a way, reminds me of my mom. With her being ill, there really has been no progress in healing whatever ails her. There are, however, plenty of medications being thrown at her left and right, each one taking away symptoms for a small while, but never permanently. And that sucks. In an odd rage I vowed that if the next time she was treated if all they did was give her a prescription, I would take all the pills myself. Obviously I am not serious but you can imagine my joy when she is given not one, but TWO more medications. Lovely.

My mind is also rebelling against me, but that's not extremely unusual. No matter how hard I try, my thoughts continue to wander where they should not. And despite my best efforts, I find myself desiring things not entirely within my reach. Granted, I could make the effort, and attain said goals, but I am not sure if I am willing to do so. Additionally, I am not sure if grasping for this would be more detrimental than comforting. I could say I will never know if I don't try, but there is something stopping me; an odd combination of fear. I fear opinions, the future, and rejection/failure if I pursue my current... endeavor. Leave it to me to toss my confusion upon the innocents.

I am exhausted. Maybe this is part of my possible masochism. I have almost a frenzied desire to do everything myself. OK, that's not really the right way to put it. The frenzied desire is right, but it's more to get everything, and I mean everything, done. I don't have to do it myself and I would love help, but, at the same time, I want it done on my watch, in my way, the way I want it. Epiphany!! I have control issues! Geez! Ha ha ha, now who DIDN'T know that ;)

Enough negative. Let's make a (very) small list of the good things in my life right now:

• I get to go back to school in Provo... and room with Miss Chelsea!
• Thank Heaven for air conditioning
• I had, like, half a pack of cookie dough today
• I am a ninja!
• My family truly loves and cares about me - and even some friends that do too!
• I get to see Teoni and Whitney in the fall
• I get to go to Water World anytime I want
• THE INTERNET! How else could I make my discombobulated rants available to the masses... or however many people actually care what I have to say :P
• Food. While it may be making me very fat and no longer comfort me, like, at all, there are some really yummy things out there!

Random, yes, I know, and quite long but it's been a while for me. So many things are going on in life and I'm taking whatever is thrown at me, even if I end up missing more than half of all the passes. "I try to take each day one at a time... but sometimes several days attack me at once!" (Ha! If this was true, each week in my life would be equal to about two!) As very much as I may not like it, everything in my life is happening for a reason. I can attest to this by past life lessons I have learned and the knowledge gained from those. The sucky part is waiting for that time when you realize why you had to go through the inferno or what good thing came from the depths of despair. Pretty much, the current battle I fight will either equip my with another, stronger level of tolerance or coping skills, or just kill me. I'm fine with either one, but I'm 99.9% positive I'm not going to die just yet.

To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.

I am quite annoyed at life... again. I just wish that either I could have a good run of time (more than just a few weeks) where things go well for and around me or I could learn to cope better. I used to pride myself at being able to keep my emotions in check. Unfortunately, I don't feel like that anymore. It may just be that things have gotten way too out of control for my liking and my body is no longer able to physically deal with it. I'm still pretty good at fooling those around me. By that I mean, not letting people see into how I am really feeling. I guess, if we're going to dissect it I am, in essence, lying. Yes, I know, the one thing that I hate, but the only person getting hurt in the process is myself. I see no reason to let everyone around me know the intimate details of my life. The very few that do earn enough trust to be admitted to my inner circle, end up knowing more than anyone else. Admittedly, there is not one person, blood relation or not, that knows everything. In trusting others, you open yourself up, take down some walls, and give another the power to hurt you. That's the definition of trust, though - giving someone the power to damage you, but believing that they will not. Obviously, this is why it hurts so much when someone betrays that trust. Now look at me... There are very, very few people that I let know ANYTHING personal about me; most of the time everything those around me know is the superficial goings-on that any schmo could pick up on. The people who do earn my trust are few and far between and those that I give the title of best to can be counted on one hand. Unfortunately for me, the majority of the people that earn my trust, end up breaking and eventually losing that trust. Today I had to think long and hard about that... why do we trust in the first place? Is the pain of having a bond of trust broken worth even attempting trust? But such is life, and life is a test. All I can really be thankful for is the insight I get from such negative events in my life. All I can do is all I can do and if that's not good enough, so be it.

A Wistful Wandering Down Memory Lane

So I once again spent my Friday night doing absolutely nothing. My social life has really suffered since I've been home... as in, I really don't have one. I wonder what the difference is, why things are so different in a place supremely familiar to me as opposed to how they were in a strange new land, it may be called. My thoughts tonight are taking me in the direction of memory lane unfortunately. Recently, I went through tons and tons of old photographs, cherishing some, crying at others, recalling old memories, and deleting yet more photographs. "Life doesn't hurt until you think about how much things have changed, who you've lost along the way, and how much of it was your fault."

Slowly but surely, those people that are truly important in my life are beginning to emerge. I am realizing who is there for me through every little thing, who is just there for my support, who was there to take only the good from me, and who was never really there for me at all. A friend of mine recently vented how frustrating it is to not be able to see a person's true colors the moment you meet them. While I think I have a pretty good idea of this life lesson, I still agree somewhat. I mean, how much anger and embarrassment could we save ourselves if we could truly judge a book by its cover? How much pain and heartbreak could be avoided if we could see how our relationships with our peers will end up as soon as we first meet them? But then again, if all this was possible and true, what would be the point in living? What purpose would there be in walking this earth if we never were able to experience the great joy of finding a best friend or the extreme bliss of finding love. I am not saying that once we find the love of our life or our best friend that, from that point on, things are just great. No. I am saying, that without anger and embarrassment and pain and heartbreak and all other negative and uncomfortable feelings, we would never experience the good.

As wise and as knowledgeable as I am (*wink wink*) I am still struggling with this. I mean, I would like for life to be a breeze but then I know better. This applies to those people in my life - I may desperately want someone to be there but it's unhealthy for them to stay at my side. I may believe that someone is a person they are not and, when finding this out, blame myself for such stupidity. I may look back at some well given advice and regret not taking it when I had the chance. If you look at the glass as half empty, and just see the bad side of things, and dwell on the pain and heartache and depression and anger and everything else, then you will never see what great things you are learning in your life. "Old enough to know better, too young to care," is the philosophy that dominates this subject in my life, and I'm working on embracing the older part of it.

"I've made mistakes in my life. I've let people take advantage of me and I've accepted way less than I deserve. But I've learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry, I'll know better next time and I won't settle for anything less than I deserve." I deserve people in my life that will respect me and treat me with such. I deserve people in my life that are willing to give as much as they take. I deserve people in my life that genuinely care about me, and my happiness. I deserve people in my life that are willing to fight for me and stand by my side when things get rough. I deserve people in my life that will deal in honesty and love me for who I am.

So thank you to those people out there. Thank you to the people who have been there since the beginning and thank you to the people who are most recent to meet me. Thank you to the people who have provided me with some of the best memories, be they in my life anymore or not. Thank you to the people who see through my masks and stay by my side faithfully. Thank you to the people who raise my spirits and lift me out of my moods. Thank you is all I can say because, nothing else can honestly be put into words.

Easier to RUN

It's easier to RUN
Replacing this PAIN with something NUMB
It's so much easier to GO
Than face all this pain here ALL ALONE

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The SECRET I've kept LOCKED AWAY no one can ever see
WOUNDS SO DEEP they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for YEARS AND YEARS they've played

If I could CHANGE I would take back the PAIN I would
Retrace EVERY WRONG MOVE that I made I would
If I could STAND UP and TAKE THE BLAME I would
If I could take all the SHAME to the grave I would
If I could CHANGE I would take back the PAIN I would
Retrace EVERY WRONG MOVE that I made I would
If I could STAND UP and TAKE THE BLAME I would
I would take all my SHAME to the grave

It's easier to RUN
Replacing this PAIN with something NUMB
It's so much easier to GO
Than face all this pain here ALL ALONE

Sometimes I REMEMBER the DARKNESS OF MY PAST
Bringing back these MEMORIES I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE
Sometimes I think of LETTING GO and NEVER LOOKING BACK
And NEVER MOVING FORWARD SO THERE'D NEVER BE A PAST

If I could CHANGE I would take back the PAIN I would
Retrace EVERY WRONG MOVE that I made I would
If I could STAND UP and TAKE THE BLAME I would
If I could take all the SHAME to the grave I would
If I could CHANGE I would take back the PAIN I would
Retrace EVERY WRONG MOVE that I made I would
If I could STAND UP and TAKE THE BLAME I would
I would take all my SHAME to the grave

Just washing it aside
All of the HELPLESSNESS INSIDE
PRETENDING I don't feel MISPLACED
It's so much simpler than change

It's easier to RUN
Replacing this PAIN with something NUMB
It's so much easier to GO
Than face all this pain here ALL ALONE

It's easier to RUN
If I could CHANGE I would take back the PAIN I would
Retrace EVERY WRONG MOVE that I made
It's easier to GO
If I could CHANGE I would take back the PAIN I would
Retrace EVERY WRONG MOVE that I made I would
If I could STAND UP and TAKE THE BLAME I would
I would take all my SHAME to the grave

-Linkin Park

The Curious Case of Alec's Mind

I have decided to change direction with my thoughts today. My original train of thought is no longer relevant and therefore unimportant for the time being. That said, I would like to complain... again.

Today was very, very long. That in and of itself would be annoying but now, finally calming down and taking a moment for myself, my mind is going crazy. Not crazy as in mental but rather I have so many thoughts in my head that there can't possibly be enough room for all of them. It's a flickering slide show in my head, of feelings and ideas. "The world is spinning way too fast." Trying to stop or at least focus on or follow a single idea or feeling is like cupping water in your hands; after just a brief glimpse, it's gone as quickly as it came. How should I respond when someone asks how I am? Am I happy? Am I angry? Am I upset? Or am I, as usual, just fine. *scoffs* Lucky me, nobody believes that anymore.

SO, what am I feeling?? Let's see...

I am happy. I have the feeling of deep and pure happiness with me. There is so much in my life that makes me feel good; my family, the church, my friends.

I am angry. I am not a maid or a chauffeur or a chef or a cash cow. I am not a sponge (anymore) nor am I a doormat (again, anymore). So quit thinking and acting like I am.

I am helpless. Everyone, myself included has free agency to choose what they want. Well, like I have said countless times before, this is just something I am not OK with. What am I supposed to do, just sit back and watch other screw up over and over and over? What am I supposed to do if I believe someone I care about is making a huge mistake? What do I do about the unkindness of others? Even if these situations somehow involve me, there is absolutely nothing I can do. (Trust me, I have tried without any form of success and am finally learning that I have to step back and let go... well still.)

I am broke! I think this is one of the things that is making me the most nervous. I have absolutely no savings, no job therefore no income, and plenty of debt. And I have school in the fall that I have to pay for. Yeah... I'm kinda screwed there for the time being.

I am confident. I am perfectly capable of handling myself now. I know who I am, what I want, and more specifically, what I DO NOT want. I'm no longer concerned with being the nice guy and tiptoeing around so I do not hurt another's feelings. Don't be confused - I have not lost or given up all my tact. I am, however, going to start looking out for myself, because I have learned the hard way that, if I don't, there's really nobody else that's going to.

I am nervous. I am not sure what for - finances, family, school, friends, health, take your pick. And it's not just anxiety or butterflies in my stomach. It's full scale, close to panic. AND I DON"T KNOW WHY! Ok...... Maybe I am mental.

On a slightly unrelated note, I want chocolate so bad that I can hardly stand it. Well, pretty much anything with sugar in it. I am sick of dieting, which could totally be contributing to my crankiness and weird mood. My will is not as strong as it was, but my desire to look good is more powerful than my desire for a cupcake or brownie. Well.... I really, really hope it is. But stress is overwhelming... Oh the dilema!

So.... did you enjoy the written slideshow of my life at the moment? Good. That'll be $9.75, thank you. Have a nice day.

I'll Love You Forever, I'll Like You For Always.

Mom's are tough. They fight for you and want nothing more that for you to be happy. Therefore, they get a day all to themselves, where we celebrate and recognize their awesomeness. So here's to all the mom's out there - Happy Mother's Day!

But sometimes, mothers need more than acknowledgment.

A bit of background information - I have been home for a little bit more than 2 weeks and my mom's been to the emergency room three times, admitted once, and then back again for tests, so a total of four trips to the hospital. That and a court date (not mine, but for which I was present) make these last two weeks just incredible!

So, it's Mother's Day. No mother should cry on Mother's Day. Mine did though. In the middle of the night I was woken up by my sweet mother who needed my help. Without detail, she was having a hard night. Admittedly, I was not the kindest I could have been... but no words can describe the hurt and the pain that wrenched my heart at seeing her in this state, especially after everything we've been through. Then, waking up this morning and talking with her, she cries again. And my heart is shattered. I am not exaggerating in any way, shape, or form. My heart, in my chest, is heavy and fighting. Not only am I upset that I can't function around all this but that I can't help her. My mom, who has killed herself and fought tooth and nail for us, who is only here because she doesn't want to upset us in that way, who has been my best friend in this world, is in so much pain and is so miserable and I can do not a thing to help her. Happy Mother's Day, right?

Isn't It Ironic? Don't You Think?

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
- Daughtry

The world works in mysterious ways... and I don't like it! I had previously voiced the longing and the pain I still felt and that I was glad to have it. Rewind and erase! I am not thankful for that ache because it was not a positive reminder for me. It was a reminder of what I was still holding on to. What I was holding on to never actually existed. What never actually existed? Everything I fell for. What was everything I fell for? A lie. What was all a lie? Something presented with optimum timing by a grand master. Get it?

Life lessons are hard. You get the test first, which ultimately you fail, and then the lesson. Only the wise will be able to pass the test a second time around while others continually fail through their second, third, fourth, and subsequent tests. I was naive, trusting, and inexperienced; the perfect target, for both a life lesson and that grand master. Getting out of the net I was in... I'm not quite sure how it happened, actually. I am grateful it did, I am just uncertain of how I stumbled upon the prompting to do so. I've gone over all of this before, so why does the world not make sense AGAIN?

I was forced to face the truth. I had to take off my blinders and look at the whole picture. It was very painful but, in doing so, I feel as if the net had actually, physically, been removed. I was, no am, appalled. Only slightly appalled at myself at falling for such a ruse but I was more shocked that someone would do that. The hurt was magnified by the strong feelings I had developed. Soon after this realization, the agony gave way to anger, which, fortunately, didn't last long. As of now, I feel nothing, in a good way; neither pain nor anger, sorrow or longing. Actually, I feel relieved that this happened! Where is the irony then, you ask?

Beware of some exaggeration in my timeline, but since I realized about this person, the world has seen fit, around every corner, to throw reminders into my path. These reminders are extreme and leave no doubt as to who they are of - a car, a song, a death bike. Why in the world?? Ineffective as these signs are, I cannot help but wonder about them. *laughs* How come the moment I stop caring, all these things happen that seem as if they trying to get me to care again? It's just too ironic for me, don't ya think? :D